Positive Wellbeing- Lets talk about Partners and Families Mental Health!
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Hi Everyone,
This is a different sort of post, where the topic and focus is on 'Us!'.
This journey has made me very aware about the gap in services and society surrounding the support available for the mental health of partners and the families of those who have comitted an offense, which has then registered them as a sex offender. It has really suprised me how little support is available, especially when it is obvious that the mental health of partners and families is immediatley at risk following the revelation of a loved ones unexpected behaviour. Your life has been flipped upside down, you have few answers and then the crippling fear of the unknown can sometimes be to much to take. For those who have been affected by vigilantes, unfortuantly you have to deal with the earth quake of events immediately, this includes dealing with your own emotions, on top of everyone else who is close to you. For those who have children, you try your hardest to protect them, to ensure they continue to have some element of 'norm'. In terms of the legal process, in all honesty it is absolutely disgusting that it is acceptable to allow humans to remain in a state of the unknown from anything between 6 weeks up to 3years. That in itself is also detrimental to the mental health of individuals.
Due to these lack of services ive realised its so important that we support eachother, and take control of our own wellbeing and support eachother with our mental health. Suicide is a massive thing in the UK, and unfortunately for some people caught up in these events, they have felt is it to much and ended their own life. Nobody should ever be made to feel their life is no longer worth living, no matter how challenging life events are. If your reading this, and you have suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Your not alone, and life will improve.
Everyone is so different, and everyones experience is individual. However the emotions, fear and challenges we experience are similar. I am sure there are people reading this, who are currently feeling fragile and dont have the confidence to reach out to people on this forum, you feel alone, isolated and ashamed. Your scared of the future and what it holds. Your worried about the stigma of society, family and friends finding out, as theres a possibility they may judge you and not offer support. You may be feeling that if you contribute to this forum, then it means that this nightmare was not a dream but is reality. What you need to take from this is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and these feelings are perfectly normal.
Fear and the unknown is what cripples us the most. Could you imagine how much easier life would be if everyone just accepted the situation for what it was and offered you and your loved one the support you require to move forward and recover. Yes nobody agrees with whats happened, but its happened and no amount of anger, screaming, shouting, crying or lashing out will change that. Whos to say that its not possible, why can't you be the person who has a positive experience when all this happens. After all the world is a pretty huge place, and humans are full of suprises. There will be multiple reasons and factors as to why the situation occurred.
Lets say your not the person experiencing positive responses from this... I know in my experience friends and family made me feel so much worse. I know not intentionally but at the end of the day they did... they made me feel like crap! I already felt like crap, but they had to add more crap. A couple of friends haven't even spoke to me, to hear my version of events, just completely ghosted me. Some have said unkind words to me out of anger at the fact that I am supporting my partner through this. Others are shouting out in anger cause they just don't understand, all of this I totally get as everyone experiences emotions differently based on their life experiences. But if you haven't got anything kind to say, then just don't say it. It especially winds me up a little, when actually it is only the Wife, Husband, Mother, Father and children who are directly affected by this. At the end of the day if your a friend or a relative it's much easier for you to walk away or not be caught up in the drama of your life being turned upside down. Yes its difficult knowing someone you care about has done this behaviour, but it doesnt directly affect your core.
As crap as this experience has been, its taught me alot. Its taught me how to support someone who is going through the totally unknown. Its taught me to realise humans are very individual, and sometimes they lash out in anger, that doesn't mean they are a bad person it just means you can reflect on their behaviour and make a conscious decision that you don't want to react like that in a challenging situation yourself.
This situation as awful as it is, will not destroy you. It will not define you. Yes its bumpy, but it will level out eventually. You can make your life anything you want it to be. Whether that means supporting your loved one through this journey or walking away. Nobody can make that decision but you. You might decide to support your partner, but then in years to come the relationship may come to an end for other reasons. Change as scary and daunting as it is, doesn't have to be a negative experience. If you want your story to be different to how the media and society portray life with a sex offender, then you can. There is not a written rule stating your life must be crap forever.
I wanted us to take the opportunity to share with eachother how we are managing, how are we still waking up each day and moving forward? There may be someone reading this who is in such a dark place, that they can't see a way out. Please use this forum to help you. It is possibile. Even myself, ive amazed myself at my own strength... saying its been difficult would be an understatement. There have been days where its felt like hell, days ive wanted to run away from everyone, days ive wanted to hide and even days where ive contemplated what would happen if I was no longer here. These feelings and days are all very natural, where it becomes an issue is if these days turn into weeks or those thoughts turn into actions.
Some people need to go and see their GP, some people need to start a course of anti-depressants. As I have said every one is different, there is no right way or wrong way in dealing with your emotions, but I would like us to help eachother get through this in a healthy way.
Amazingly for me I am still plodding on with this journey without the support of anti-depressants, alcohol or drugs. The things that have worked for me have included regular couselling, walking, mental health pod casts, inspirational books of others who have experienced life changing events, exercise and a dear friend is also currently trying to get me to embrace tranformational breathing. I make sure I write down atleast 3 positives from my day, regardless of how trivial they may be. E.g. it was sunny. I then follow it with an inspirational life quote, after all we all love a good quote right?! I try my hardest to stay focussed on the moment, but I am only human and those fears sometimes trickle their way back into my mind (usually at around 11pm at night!). Its an ongoing journey working on yourself, but look at what you have achieved! If your reading this post then you obviously got out of bed today, or your reading it on your smart phone in bed, but either way youve motivated youself to look at this forum and thats a start. It is literally just taking each step at a time, yes there may be set backs, thats okay, aslong as you try to put a step forward again.
I look forward to hearing everyones tips on what they do to support their own wellbeing! Lets help eachother out and turn this experience into a positive! What ever that positive or strength may mean to you =)
This is a different sort of post, where the topic and focus is on 'Us!'.
This journey has made me very aware about the gap in services and society surrounding the support available for the mental health of partners and the families of those who have comitted an offense, which has then registered them as a sex offender. It has really suprised me how little support is available, especially when it is obvious that the mental health of partners and families is immediatley at risk following the revelation of a loved ones unexpected behaviour. Your life has been flipped upside down, you have few answers and then the crippling fear of the unknown can sometimes be to much to take. For those who have been affected by vigilantes, unfortuantly you have to deal with the earth quake of events immediately, this includes dealing with your own emotions, on top of everyone else who is close to you. For those who have children, you try your hardest to protect them, to ensure they continue to have some element of 'norm'. In terms of the legal process, in all honesty it is absolutely disgusting that it is acceptable to allow humans to remain in a state of the unknown from anything between 6 weeks up to 3years. That in itself is also detrimental to the mental health of individuals.
Due to these lack of services ive realised its so important that we support eachother, and take control of our own wellbeing and support eachother with our mental health. Suicide is a massive thing in the UK, and unfortunately for some people caught up in these events, they have felt is it to much and ended their own life. Nobody should ever be made to feel their life is no longer worth living, no matter how challenging life events are. If your reading this, and you have suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Your not alone, and life will improve.
Everyone is so different, and everyones experience is individual. However the emotions, fear and challenges we experience are similar. I am sure there are people reading this, who are currently feeling fragile and dont have the confidence to reach out to people on this forum, you feel alone, isolated and ashamed. Your scared of the future and what it holds. Your worried about the stigma of society, family and friends finding out, as theres a possibility they may judge you and not offer support. You may be feeling that if you contribute to this forum, then it means that this nightmare was not a dream but is reality. What you need to take from this is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and these feelings are perfectly normal.
Fear and the unknown is what cripples us the most. Could you imagine how much easier life would be if everyone just accepted the situation for what it was and offered you and your loved one the support you require to move forward and recover. Yes nobody agrees with whats happened, but its happened and no amount of anger, screaming, shouting, crying or lashing out will change that. Whos to say that its not possible, why can't you be the person who has a positive experience when all this happens. After all the world is a pretty huge place, and humans are full of suprises. There will be multiple reasons and factors as to why the situation occurred.
Lets say your not the person experiencing positive responses from this... I know in my experience friends and family made me feel so much worse. I know not intentionally but at the end of the day they did... they made me feel like crap! I already felt like crap, but they had to add more crap. A couple of friends haven't even spoke to me, to hear my version of events, just completely ghosted me. Some have said unkind words to me out of anger at the fact that I am supporting my partner through this. Others are shouting out in anger cause they just don't understand, all of this I totally get as everyone experiences emotions differently based on their life experiences. But if you haven't got anything kind to say, then just don't say it. It especially winds me up a little, when actually it is only the Wife, Husband, Mother, Father and children who are directly affected by this. At the end of the day if your a friend or a relative it's much easier for you to walk away or not be caught up in the drama of your life being turned upside down. Yes its difficult knowing someone you care about has done this behaviour, but it doesnt directly affect your core.
As crap as this experience has been, its taught me alot. Its taught me how to support someone who is going through the totally unknown. Its taught me to realise humans are very individual, and sometimes they lash out in anger, that doesn't mean they are a bad person it just means you can reflect on their behaviour and make a conscious decision that you don't want to react like that in a challenging situation yourself.
This situation as awful as it is, will not destroy you. It will not define you. Yes its bumpy, but it will level out eventually. You can make your life anything you want it to be. Whether that means supporting your loved one through this journey or walking away. Nobody can make that decision but you. You might decide to support your partner, but then in years to come the relationship may come to an end for other reasons. Change as scary and daunting as it is, doesn't have to be a negative experience. If you want your story to be different to how the media and society portray life with a sex offender, then you can. There is not a written rule stating your life must be crap forever.
I wanted us to take the opportunity to share with eachother how we are managing, how are we still waking up each day and moving forward? There may be someone reading this who is in such a dark place, that they can't see a way out. Please use this forum to help you. It is possibile. Even myself, ive amazed myself at my own strength... saying its been difficult would be an understatement. There have been days where its felt like hell, days ive wanted to run away from everyone, days ive wanted to hide and even days where ive contemplated what would happen if I was no longer here. These feelings and days are all very natural, where it becomes an issue is if these days turn into weeks or those thoughts turn into actions.
Some people need to go and see their GP, some people need to start a course of anti-depressants. As I have said every one is different, there is no right way or wrong way in dealing with your emotions, but I would like us to help eachother get through this in a healthy way.
Amazingly for me I am still plodding on with this journey without the support of anti-depressants, alcohol or drugs. The things that have worked for me have included regular couselling, walking, mental health pod casts, inspirational books of others who have experienced life changing events, exercise and a dear friend is also currently trying to get me to embrace tranformational breathing. I make sure I write down atleast 3 positives from my day, regardless of how trivial they may be. E.g. it was sunny. I then follow it with an inspirational life quote, after all we all love a good quote right?! I try my hardest to stay focussed on the moment, but I am only human and those fears sometimes trickle their way back into my mind (usually at around 11pm at night!). Its an ongoing journey working on yourself, but look at what you have achieved! If your reading this post then you obviously got out of bed today, or your reading it on your smart phone in bed, but either way youve motivated youself to look at this forum and thats a start. It is literally just taking each step at a time, yes there may be set backs, thats okay, aslong as you try to put a step forward again.
I look forward to hearing everyones tips on what they do to support their own wellbeing! Lets help eachother out and turn this experience into a positive! What ever that positive or strength may mean to you =)
Thank you for this confused.com. I needed it! I’m finding it really hard at the moment.
I have a few days of feeling okish, then I feel lost and unsettled. I try and work everything out, which I can’t, research as much as I can, which depresses me further, and then find I’ve wasted hours on nothing constructive!
I’m a vigilante victim, so haven’t resumed my exercise class as I can’t face it. I know I need to exercise. I try to walk, but won’t walk on my own now, so reliant on friends to accompany me. But now it’s some months down the line people are moving on with their lives after the initial concern.
I had one counselling session. But didn’t feel I got a lot from it. I may go back later, but I am paying for it and money is now tight so I feel I have to need it. Also 1 hour drive each way to see her, she works in the area of sex crime.
After a poor experience in the early days with unhelpful doctor I’m not keen to talk to them again.
So I’m finding the thing that helps me most is talking things through with close supportive friends. Friends that are supporting me ‘no matter what’, I avoid discussing too much with those that have no empathy at all for my husband.
I also allow myself to sob and cry, a lot. It releases some emotions. It is easy for me to do as I now live alone.
I’d like to scream at and punch my husband, that would help. But he’s not here. Text wars are not good. Maybe some joint counselling down the road would be good. I still need to hear everything from him. He still says he can’t explain it all! Many sessions of therapy and a physiologist evaluation later, it’s confirmed he is not attracted to children, he knows he’s chatted online, and looked at sexual images. Doesn’t know/remember the vigilante lead up and sting! I want all the details. This is a huge impact on our marriage.
Lookimg forward to some more help and advicexx
I have a few days of feeling okish, then I feel lost and unsettled. I try and work everything out, which I can’t, research as much as I can, which depresses me further, and then find I’ve wasted hours on nothing constructive!
I’m a vigilante victim, so haven’t resumed my exercise class as I can’t face it. I know I need to exercise. I try to walk, but won’t walk on my own now, so reliant on friends to accompany me. But now it’s some months down the line people are moving on with their lives after the initial concern.
I had one counselling session. But didn’t feel I got a lot from it. I may go back later, but I am paying for it and money is now tight so I feel I have to need it. Also 1 hour drive each way to see her, she works in the area of sex crime.
After a poor experience in the early days with unhelpful doctor I’m not keen to talk to them again.
So I’m finding the thing that helps me most is talking things through with close supportive friends. Friends that are supporting me ‘no matter what’, I avoid discussing too much with those that have no empathy at all for my husband.
I also allow myself to sob and cry, a lot. It releases some emotions. It is easy for me to do as I now live alone.
I’d like to scream at and punch my husband, that would help. But he’s not here. Text wars are not good. Maybe some joint counselling down the road would be good. I still need to hear everything from him. He still says he can’t explain it all! Many sessions of therapy and a physiologist evaluation later, it’s confirmed he is not attracted to children, he knows he’s chatted online, and looked at sexual images. Doesn’t know/remember the vigilante lead up and sting! I want all the details. This is a huge impact on our marriage.
Lookimg forward to some more help and advicexx
I think my mental health is more badly affected than my husbands. He was live-streamed, sacked, moved out of home and was effectively homeless for a time. Lost touch with all Family and friends, some of whom don't want anything to do with him anyway. But he's now renting a place, starting a new career. Having therapy and professional help. Says there's no point looking back. He is pleased to have ditched the parts of his life that causes his depression.
I feel left behind. I don't know what he did. I can't move until I know. That I won't know until the police have done their job. If they moved on with it that would REALLY help!
I feel left behind. I don't know what he did. I can't move until I know. That I won't know until the police have done their job. If they moved on with it that would REALLY help!
Lee1969, that sounds amazing. Great to have something to refer to. It's hard trying to go through posts on the forum!
x
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It's so hard isn't it. I work in mental health and this has honestly opened my eyes to a whole client group that are shamefully neglected. The roller coaster of emotions we go through is so intense, that's why I wish people would just pause for a moment and think before they push their judgements on us. It really is one of those life situations that unless you experience, you don't know what way you will handle it. There are so many factors which contribute to why someone offends, which for some people does influence their decisions.
As there's no manual you can only hope your dealing with it in the right way.
As there's no manual you can only hope your dealing with it in the right way.