Moving forward - what on earth do we do?
Notifications OFF
We're now 2 months post sentencing - attempted communication, 9 months suspended for 2 years, 10 years SOR. Things are still very hard indeed.
I'm living with the children in the family home. He's living in a flat paid for by very kind dear friends. But they aren't going to pay his rent forever. At some point we have to Do Something.
I'm not prepared to constrain my children's lives by having him live here, even if social services would allow it. I want them to be free to have friends over.
We can't afford for me to stay in the house and him buy a flat, as all our money is tied up in the house. The mortgage is barely affordable with both of us contributing, so two mortgages would be impossible. I can't buy him out.
Selling up and buying a much smaller house, and a flat for him, is doable but such a huge horrible upheaval which I don't feel the kids and I deserve. Plus there are huge risks to buying something without having divided up our assets formally first.
I've looked into the option of a self contained annexe in our garden, with its own gate and fenced off section of garden. This would be expensive but might be doable with help from his parents (they won't help him move out but might be amenable to this). I spoke to social services today and they said it would need its own address otherwise we'd have to notify parents of any friends coming over, as he'd technically be living at our address.
I'm not ruling out reconciliation, we're going to try joint therapy, though I won't cohabit or have a sexual relationship with him. But we're crying and arguing most days about money and what we do about living arrangements. I just want to have made the decision and be in the new life, whatever it is.
Anyone got words of wisdom? What worked for you? Anyone got social services to be ok with eg an annexe or motorhome?
I'm living with the children in the family home. He's living in a flat paid for by very kind dear friends. But they aren't going to pay his rent forever. At some point we have to Do Something.
I'm not prepared to constrain my children's lives by having him live here, even if social services would allow it. I want them to be free to have friends over.
We can't afford for me to stay in the house and him buy a flat, as all our money is tied up in the house. The mortgage is barely affordable with both of us contributing, so two mortgages would be impossible. I can't buy him out.
Selling up and buying a much smaller house, and a flat for him, is doable but such a huge horrible upheaval which I don't feel the kids and I deserve. Plus there are huge risks to buying something without having divided up our assets formally first.
I've looked into the option of a self contained annexe in our garden, with its own gate and fenced off section of garden. This would be expensive but might be doable with help from his parents (they won't help him move out but might be amenable to this). I spoke to social services today and they said it would need its own address otherwise we'd have to notify parents of any friends coming over, as he'd technically be living at our address.
I'm not ruling out reconciliation, we're going to try joint therapy, though I won't cohabit or have a sexual relationship with him. But we're crying and arguing most days about money and what we do about living arrangements. I just want to have made the decision and be in the new life, whatever it is.
Anyone got words of wisdom? What worked for you? Anyone got social services to be ok with eg an annexe or motorhome?
It frustrates me so much that there isn't any consistency in how ss handle these situations. I've written in my safety plan that if my daughter has friends over I would always supervise and if as she gets older she has friends stay overnight then my partner will stay elsewhere. Ss were happy with this approach for us.
In terms of what you do regarding the house and options I think you'd be better to book in with a financial advisor. Check if you're entitled to any government assistance due to being a single parent now. If you are then you could have this backdated to when he moved out of the house xxx
In terms of what you do regarding the house and options I think you'd be better to book in with a financial advisor. Check if you're entitled to any government assistance due to being a single parent now. If you are then you could have this backdated to when he moved out of the house xxx
Thank you x
The requirement would be that we notify / disclose to the parents of any children coming to the house, which I don't want to do.
The requirement would be that we notify / disclose to the parents of any children coming to the house, which I don't want to do.
Does your OH have a SHPO? My son's SHPO states no unsupervised contact with anyone under the ge of 18 unless agreed by social services and the parents. Social services didn't reopen the case after sentencing because the SHPO is in place and managed by his offender manager. His offender manger has never been worried about other children being around as long as he is not unsupervised.
As far as accommodation is concerned and depending on how much time you want your OH around, does he have family that he could stay with at night and use as his address whilst spending most of his time at your house? That way he can contribute to the bills, have a separate address but also share the house and bills with you until you are in a position to look at some kind of financial settlement.
As far as accommodation is concerned and depending on how much time you want your OH around, does he have family that he could stay with at night and use as his address whilst spending most of his time at your house? That way he can contribute to the bills, have a separate address but also share the house and bills with you until you are in a position to look at some kind of financial settlement.
Could you change your mortgage to interest only? Would that make it more affordable until he can get himself sorted or until the children are adults/he's off SOR so has more options housing wise or you may be able to sell up?
Do you have any family who would want to buy your house as a future investment and rent it bank to you so the kids can stay in their home but you get the equity release?
Have you tried citizens advice?
I feel your pain, I'm in the process of taking over the mortgage and it's going to significantly affect my finances and my future but like you I'm doing it for stability for kids; mine does not need the disruption of a house move.
Do you have any family who would want to buy your house as a future investment and rent it bank to you so the kids can stay in their home but you get the equity release?
Have you tried citizens advice?
I feel your pain, I'm in the process of taking over the mortgage and it's going to significantly affect my finances and my future but like you I'm doing it for stability for kids; mine does not need the disruption of a house move.
I can't afford to take over the mortgage (ie have the property transferred into my name, as that'll require buying him out) but can afford an interest only mortgage.
He'd have to agree to an interest only mortgage but he hates 'giving money to banks' so is desperate to do the cheapest thing imaginable. He honestly places so much importance on money it's crazy. It was one of this stupid early justifications for his Snapchat / kik habit - he was trying to save money by not paying for legal porn. Beggars belief.
sending hugs Grenade x
He'd have to agree to an interest only mortgage but he hates 'giving money to banks' so is desperate to do the cheapest thing imaginable. He honestly places so much importance on money it's crazy. It was one of this stupid early justifications for his Snapchat / kik habit - he was trying to save money by not paying for legal porn. Beggars belief.
sending hugs Grenade x
I've not got any advice. My person is at hismums just now but I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if I really want him back. I know I'll have to sell up and move and also don't want to upset the kids but doing this. It's so hard his sentencing will be this Wednesday. I don't know if I even want to put the kids through all the Sw stuff too. I truly feel for you
Sending hugs Moon xx you're right in the worst part now xx
social services closed our case before sentencing and won't reopen it unless I tell them I want to change to unsupervised, in which case I'd need a lawyer, or if they get a referral via probation or elsewhere, in which case they'd put the kids back on a CIN plan. I have no safety plan - despite asking for one - and when I called this week they just reiterated that I need to satisfy myself that I'm keeping the kids safe and not allowing unsupervised contact.
It's all very flattering that they have given that discretion to me, but actually incredibly stressful because WHAT IF MY RADAR ISN'T WORKING?? They won't check up on me either, unless they get a report that I'm not supervising... it's so bewildering but it does make me supervise extra cautiously. Which may be the intention - are they that clever?
i think they closed the case at charges because they picked up on the fact I don't trust my husband as I didn't suspect him before the knock, so how can I ever know he's trustworthy now. I made it clear we aren't in a relationship.
im now looking at ways I might be able to pay off the mortgage with an investment from a beloved close friend, so husband can buy a flat under his own steam.
Husband is so obsessed with money though, he'd rather we sell up and he move away (our city is EXPENSIVE) to save money so he doesn't need a mortgage. But his whole shtick is how desperate he is to be with the kids. Honestly he's showing me what type of person he is, and each day the prospect of any reconciliation fades...
social services closed our case before sentencing and won't reopen it unless I tell them I want to change to unsupervised, in which case I'd need a lawyer, or if they get a referral via probation or elsewhere, in which case they'd put the kids back on a CIN plan. I have no safety plan - despite asking for one - and when I called this week they just reiterated that I need to satisfy myself that I'm keeping the kids safe and not allowing unsupervised contact.
It's all very flattering that they have given that discretion to me, but actually incredibly stressful because WHAT IF MY RADAR ISN'T WORKING?? They won't check up on me either, unless they get a report that I'm not supervising... it's so bewildering but it does make me supervise extra cautiously. Which may be the intention - are they that clever?
i think they closed the case at charges because they picked up on the fact I don't trust my husband as I didn't suspect him before the knock, so how can I ever know he's trustworthy now. I made it clear we aren't in a relationship.
im now looking at ways I might be able to pay off the mortgage with an investment from a beloved close friend, so husband can buy a flat under his own steam.
Husband is so obsessed with money though, he'd rather we sell up and he move away (our city is EXPENSIVE) to save money so he doesn't need a mortgage. But his whole shtick is how desperate he is to be with the kids. Honestly he's showing me what type of person he is, and each day the prospect of any reconciliation fades...
Hang in there lisamargemaggie
mine has only been cooperative because I've really hit home about reality and impact of the offending. how I'm doing this for my financial security and for the benefit of our child as I'm the safe and reliable and only option to keep a roof over their head and maintain "normal". He isn't as secure because of his conviction and how he's relying on secrecy of nobody finding out for his job stability. Plus child can never live or stay overnight with him due to long SOR/SHPO so I am effectively the sole parent and need to make sure they will always have a roof over their head and take sole control of that as it's now my responsibility.
his selfish and dangerous online activity has cost him dearly but it's also cost me my marriage, my mental health and wellbeing, my trust in people, it's also financially cost me tens of thousands to sort out HIS mess.
but thankfully it didn't cost me my child my closest family or my job-despite some pretty Rocky phases where it could have gone either way; my child is thriving, happy, healthy and safe with no upheaval. And that along with my financial and legal independence (and my own peace...I won't say happiness as I'm not there yet) is priceless.
Hello beans on toast forever and selling my life on eBay/vinted.
mine has only been cooperative because I've really hit home about reality and impact of the offending. how I'm doing this for my financial security and for the benefit of our child as I'm the safe and reliable and only option to keep a roof over their head and maintain "normal". He isn't as secure because of his conviction and how he's relying on secrecy of nobody finding out for his job stability. Plus child can never live or stay overnight with him due to long SOR/SHPO so I am effectively the sole parent and need to make sure they will always have a roof over their head and take sole control of that as it's now my responsibility.
his selfish and dangerous online activity has cost him dearly but it's also cost me my marriage, my mental health and wellbeing, my trust in people, it's also financially cost me tens of thousands to sort out HIS mess.
but thankfully it didn't cost me my child my closest family or my job-despite some pretty Rocky phases where it could have gone either way; my child is thriving, happy, healthy and safe with no upheaval. And that along with my financial and legal independence (and my own peace...I won't say happiness as I'm not there yet) is priceless.
Hello beans on toast forever and selling my life on eBay/vinted.
Grenade you're a badass and I love it. I need to grow a backbone, if not for myself then for the kids. My husband is likewise on the SRO/SHPO for 10 years so no prospect of ever having the kids overnight. He keeps asking me what the danger is, and I'm starting to pick up on his gaslighting and manipulation again. If he forces me to sell up and downsize to cover his own mess, I'll have to divorce him to protect my new house from claims by him. So he can stay married, and learn about boundaries, and see his kids 4x a week at the family home, if he lets me and the kids be.
I did go through my bank statement this week and calculate I essentially spent £700 on cheering myself and the girls up, but I think I can cut back on that if I'm not in a constant state of worry about losing the house...
I did go through my bank statement this week and calculate I essentially spent £700 on cheering myself and the girls up, but I think I can cut back on that if I'm not in a constant state of worry about losing the house...
LisaMargeMaggie
oh you made me chuckle! I don't feel like a badasss I feel like an absolute dumpster fire 99% of the time.
but we absolutely don't deserve the mess our people have put us in, it's a really horrible situation to be in and to come out of it with some shred of sanity you need all involved to really work hard and crack on with improving and therapy and improving and moving forward and learning from mistakes.
If you're in team leave because your person isn't able to recognise their wrongdoing, unacceptable behaviour and respect the boundaries that are in place, to turn themselves around and work on rebuilding the relationship (if that's feasible) they have no right to our support or to impose their feelings on us. I keep reminding myself I could have walked away on day1, told everyone exactly what they'd done and skip town. I'm a not that kind of person and need to instead focus on their own character and whether the situation was reversed they would be so gracious.
oh you made me chuckle! I don't feel like a badasss I feel like an absolute dumpster fire 99% of the time.
but we absolutely don't deserve the mess our people have put us in, it's a really horrible situation to be in and to come out of it with some shred of sanity you need all involved to really work hard and crack on with improving and therapy and improving and moving forward and learning from mistakes.
If you're in team leave because your person isn't able to recognise their wrongdoing, unacceptable behaviour and respect the boundaries that are in place, to turn themselves around and work on rebuilding the relationship (if that's feasible) they have no right to our support or to impose their feelings on us. I keep reminding myself I could have walked away on day1, told everyone exactly what they'd done and skip town. I'm a not that kind of person and need to instead focus on their own character and whether the situation was reversed they would be so gracious.