Talking to them about their offending
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Dear Forum Users,
Having a difficult conversation with someone you know—especially if it involves their offending—can feel overwhelming. You may be experiencing a mix of emotions: anger, confusion, sadness, even love. It’s completely normal to feel conflicted. Nonetheless, talking about what has happened can help you start feeling a bit more in control of what is happening and what you need to do to support yourself. This is rarely an easy conversation to have, so we have put together some steps that can help you prepare. One of the most important things you can do for yourself, and them, is to be honest about your feelings. Have a think about whether you feel ready for the conversation, and if so, how much information you will be able to cope with at this point.
Take your time and listen to your needs. If your mental health is poor, now might not be a good time to have this conversation. Look after yourself as best as you can and lean on the support around you. And remember you don’t have to go through this alone. We’re here to support you too.
Create a plan
Before starting the conversation, take a moment to reflect on your intentions. What are you hoping to gain? Are you seeking clarity, closure, or understanding? Do you want to support them better, or are you trying to make sense of what happened? Knowing your purpose can help you stay grounded and focused, especially if the conversation becomes emotionally charged.
Once you’ve identified your ‘why’, consider writing down the key points or questions you want to raise. Going into a conversation without a plan can feel like setting off on a journey without a map—you might end up somewhere, but not where you intended.
Think about what you need to know
For example:
- When did the behaviour start?
- Why did it happen?
- What do they understand about the impact?
Not everyone will want the same level of detail, and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you.
Choose the right time for you
You might feel an urgent need to talk, or you might be avoiding the conversation altogether. Both reactions are valid. What matters most is choosing a time that feels right for you. A well-timed conversation—when emotions are settled, distractions are minimal, and both people are open—can make a difficult topic more manageable. You may experience some pressure or urgency from the other person to have this conversation as they may have a need or desire to get things off their chest. However, if you do not feel ready right now, it’s okay to say so. Equally, if they’re not ready to talk about what happened, it might be difficult to have a meaningful conversation right now. It’s okay to say, “I’m not ready to talk about this yet” or to ask, “When would be a good time for you?”
You may also want to consider the time of day, and where, this conversation would be best suited. Where would both of you feel most comfortable and willing to open up? It might be helpful to choose a private, quiet place, where you have the opportunity to take a breather if needed.
We would also encourage you to think about whether you will have time to process the conversation afterwards, or if you have something scheduled right after? How are you going to look after yourself, and could you plan something nice to look forward to as a way of reducing the emotional impact of what you’ve talked about?
Be prepared to listen
You may not agree with everything they say—but listening is not the same as accepting or excusing. It’s about understanding. It’s natural to want to interrupt, defend, or shut down when things get uncomfortable. But try to stay present. Let them speak. If you need to, jot down your thoughts and return to them when it’s your turn. Listening doesn’t mean that you approve or accept what they’ve done, but can help you understand more about the context of their offending.
Afterwards
Think about what you need to process the conversation. This could be a walk in the woods, a conversation with a loved one or a hobby that you enjoy.
These conversations are never easy. They can be painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting. But they can also be a step toward healing, understanding, or closure—whatever that looks like for you.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
Having a difficult conversation with someone you know—especially if it involves their offending—can feel overwhelming. You may be experiencing a mix of emotions: anger, confusion, sadness, even love. It’s completely normal to feel conflicted. Nonetheless, talking about what has happened can help you start feeling a bit more in control of what is happening and what you need to do to support yourself. This is rarely an easy conversation to have, so we have put together some steps that can help you prepare. One of the most important things you can do for yourself, and them, is to be honest about your feelings. Have a think about whether you feel ready for the conversation, and if so, how much information you will be able to cope with at this point.
Take your time and listen to your needs. If your mental health is poor, now might not be a good time to have this conversation. Look after yourself as best as you can and lean on the support around you. And remember you don’t have to go through this alone. We’re here to support you too.
Create a plan
Before starting the conversation, take a moment to reflect on your intentions. What are you hoping to gain? Are you seeking clarity, closure, or understanding? Do you want to support them better, or are you trying to make sense of what happened? Knowing your purpose can help you stay grounded and focused, especially if the conversation becomes emotionally charged.
Once you’ve identified your ‘why’, consider writing down the key points or questions you want to raise. Going into a conversation without a plan can feel like setting off on a journey without a map—you might end up somewhere, but not where you intended.
Think about what you need to know
For example:
- When did the behaviour start?
- Why did it happen?
- What do they understand about the impact?
Not everyone will want the same level of detail, and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you.
Choose the right time for you
You might feel an urgent need to talk, or you might be avoiding the conversation altogether. Both reactions are valid. What matters most is choosing a time that feels right for you. A well-timed conversation—when emotions are settled, distractions are minimal, and both people are open—can make a difficult topic more manageable. You may experience some pressure or urgency from the other person to have this conversation as they may have a need or desire to get things off their chest. However, if you do not feel ready right now, it’s okay to say so. Equally, if they’re not ready to talk about what happened, it might be difficult to have a meaningful conversation right now. It’s okay to say, “I’m not ready to talk about this yet” or to ask, “When would be a good time for you?”
You may also want to consider the time of day, and where, this conversation would be best suited. Where would both of you feel most comfortable and willing to open up? It might be helpful to choose a private, quiet place, where you have the opportunity to take a breather if needed.
We would also encourage you to think about whether you will have time to process the conversation afterwards, or if you have something scheduled right after? How are you going to look after yourself, and could you plan something nice to look forward to as a way of reducing the emotional impact of what you’ve talked about?
Be prepared to listen
You may not agree with everything they say—but listening is not the same as accepting or excusing. It’s about understanding. It’s natural to want to interrupt, defend, or shut down when things get uncomfortable. But try to stay present. Let them speak. If you need to, jot down your thoughts and return to them when it’s your turn. Listening doesn’t mean that you approve or accept what they’ve done, but can help you understand more about the context of their offending.
Afterwards
Think about what you need to process the conversation. This could be a walk in the woods, a conversation with a loved one or a hobby that you enjoy.
These conversations are never easy. They can be painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting. But they can also be a step toward healing, understanding, or closure—whatever that looks like for you.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
I know your post is a year on but after 19 months of my OH minimising his arrest, offering trickle truth, shutting down, threatening he's 'had enough', it's 'time I moved on with the boys', trying to get full disclosure is impossible. I don't believe that even he knows why, when etc as has shut it out.
I am beyond drained, exhausted and frustrated as some of the evidence found involves family members on my side. This completely blind sided me. I don't think he ever thought that would come to light.
He was in therapy last year with Safer Lives. The thing is with this type of therapy, how is it even possible to know if the offender even tells the truth? He has repeatedly lied to me over the past 19 months, so why not in therapy too? He is remorseful, regretful, ashamed and disgusted at his behaviour, yet will not give me the time and respect to talk to me about any of it.
I am completely dumb founded. This is a man I have known for over 30 years, married 21 years and have 3 children with. All he seems to be bothered about is that fact that social services have paused contact. It is the only breathing space and peace I have felt since February 2025. I am not pushing for contact. Not to punish him but for him to focus on taking accountability for what he has destroyed. I am forever changed. My children are forever changed (although I have done everything in my heart and strength to keep him protected).
I am beyond drained, exhausted and frustrated as some of the evidence found involves family members on my side. This completely blind sided me. I don't think he ever thought that would come to light.
He was in therapy last year with Safer Lives. The thing is with this type of therapy, how is it even possible to know if the offender even tells the truth? He has repeatedly lied to me over the past 19 months, so why not in therapy too? He is remorseful, regretful, ashamed and disgusted at his behaviour, yet will not give me the time and respect to talk to me about any of it.
I am completely dumb founded. This is a man I have known for over 30 years, married 21 years and have 3 children with. All he seems to be bothered about is that fact that social services have paused contact. It is the only breathing space and peace I have felt since February 2025. I am not pushing for contact. Not to punish him but for him to focus on taking accountability for what he has destroyed. I am forever changed. My children are forever changed (although I have done everything in my heart and strength to keep him protected).
Sorry I mean to keep my boys protected.
It's a tough conversation. A year on, we don't really talk about it as I'm still just not ready to. He said from day one he didn't know why he did it, so me asking him isn't going to make much difference.
I know we need to in order to move on and heal, but it's hard.
I know we need to in order to move on and heal, but it's hard.
