Grieving the Person
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Dear Forum Users,
When someone we care for is put under investigation, arrested, cautioned or convicted for online sexual offences involving children, we know that this can bring up a lot of emotions. The knock at the door doesn’t just bring the police, it can also bring a flood of emotions: shock, feelings of betrayal, confusion, anger and grief. Please know that whatever feelings you might be experiencing at the moment is normal and natural. You might have experienced some of these responses yourself or seen it in other people. Many individuals also share that they feel they’re mourning who they thought the person was, and what the future with this person could’ve looked like if they hadn’t offended. You might also grieve a version of them that felt safe or replay memories or feel confused about why you didn’t see the signs. These reactions are all normal.
Often, we go through different stages of grief, as outlined by the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's DABDA model (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance). While this model was originally developed to understand the bereavement or loss of an individual by death, this model has later been used to explain the processing of other types of grief. It’s worth noting that not everyone goes through these stages, nor do they always take place in the order outlined below.
1. Denial
Denial is a protective response; it cushions the initial shock. You might find yourself clinging to the belief that it’s all a misunderstanding, or that the person you love couldn’t possibly have done what they’re accused of. This stage gives your mind time to catch up with what has happened.
2. Anger
Anger is a natural response to betrayal and broken trust. You might feel furious at the person who offended, at the police, at yourself, or even at the world. This anger can feel overwhelming — but it’s also a sign that you’re beginning to confront the truth.
3. Bargaining
In this stage, your mind tries to make sense of the senseless. You might replay events, searching for signs you missed or things you could have done to prevent it. This is often where guilt creeps in — even though you are not responsible for someone else’s behaviour.
4. Depression
This stage can feel like a heavy fog. You may feel numb, hopeless, or deeply sad. You might grieve not just the person, but the life you thought you had — the future that’s now uncertain. This is where symptoms of Post-Traumatic Disorder (PTSD) can also emerge, especially if the trauma was sudden and severe. We’ve written a post about PTSD in more detail, which you can find here.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened. It means you’re beginning to integrate the truth into your life. You start to rebuild — slowly, gently — on your own terms. You begin to imagine a future that’s grounded in truth, healing, and self-respect.
To support your grieving process, it can be helpful to:
- Name the loss: Say it out loud or write it down “I am grieving the person I thought they were”. This can help us make sense of the chaos we might be experiencing inside ourselves.
- Seek safe support: For example, through the Stop it Now helpline or by speaking to a trusted friend.
- Protect your peace: You are allowed to set boundaries, you are also allowed not to feel ready to make a decision about your relationship or the future. You are allowed to prioritise your wellbeing at the moment.
- Imagine a future that is yours: You might have already decided to stay or leave but regardless, think about what you need; what can support you to build a positive future, and what would you like for your future self.
It’s always important to remember that you did not choose to be in this situation, but you can choose how to move through it. Grief is a process, and can be a painful one, but know that you can and will get through it. Also know that you are not alone.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
When someone we care for is put under investigation, arrested, cautioned or convicted for online sexual offences involving children, we know that this can bring up a lot of emotions. The knock at the door doesn’t just bring the police, it can also bring a flood of emotions: shock, feelings of betrayal, confusion, anger and grief. Please know that whatever feelings you might be experiencing at the moment is normal and natural. You might have experienced some of these responses yourself or seen it in other people. Many individuals also share that they feel they’re mourning who they thought the person was, and what the future with this person could’ve looked like if they hadn’t offended. You might also grieve a version of them that felt safe or replay memories or feel confused about why you didn’t see the signs. These reactions are all normal.
Often, we go through different stages of grief, as outlined by the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's DABDA model (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance). While this model was originally developed to understand the bereavement or loss of an individual by death, this model has later been used to explain the processing of other types of grief. It’s worth noting that not everyone goes through these stages, nor do they always take place in the order outlined below.
1. Denial
Denial is a protective response; it cushions the initial shock. You might find yourself clinging to the belief that it’s all a misunderstanding, or that the person you love couldn’t possibly have done what they’re accused of. This stage gives your mind time to catch up with what has happened.
2. Anger
Anger is a natural response to betrayal and broken trust. You might feel furious at the person who offended, at the police, at yourself, or even at the world. This anger can feel overwhelming — but it’s also a sign that you’re beginning to confront the truth.
3. Bargaining
In this stage, your mind tries to make sense of the senseless. You might replay events, searching for signs you missed or things you could have done to prevent it. This is often where guilt creeps in — even though you are not responsible for someone else’s behaviour.
4. Depression
This stage can feel like a heavy fog. You may feel numb, hopeless, or deeply sad. You might grieve not just the person, but the life you thought you had — the future that’s now uncertain. This is where symptoms of Post-Traumatic Disorder (PTSD) can also emerge, especially if the trauma was sudden and severe. We’ve written a post about PTSD in more detail, which you can find here.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened. It means you’re beginning to integrate the truth into your life. You start to rebuild — slowly, gently — on your own terms. You begin to imagine a future that’s grounded in truth, healing, and self-respect.
To support your grieving process, it can be helpful to:
- Name the loss: Say it out loud or write it down “I am grieving the person I thought they were”. This can help us make sense of the chaos we might be experiencing inside ourselves.
- Seek safe support: For example, through the Stop it Now helpline or by speaking to a trusted friend.
- Protect your peace: You are allowed to set boundaries, you are also allowed not to feel ready to make a decision about your relationship or the future. You are allowed to prioritise your wellbeing at the moment.
- Imagine a future that is yours: You might have already decided to stay or leave but regardless, think about what you need; what can support you to build a positive future, and what would you like for your future self.
It’s always important to remember that you did not choose to be in this situation, but you can choose how to move through it. Grief is a process, and can be a painful one, but know that you can and will get through it. Also know that you are not alone.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team