Coping with Shame
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Dear Forum Users,
Shame is often discussed in the context of those who commit offences—how they process guilt and how society responds to their actions. But there's another, quieter experience of shame that deserves attention: the shame felt by those who are indirectly impacted by someone else's offending.
Whether you're a partner, ex-partner, family member or friend of someone who has engaged in online sexual offending towards children, the emotional impact can be significant. You may feel like you’re carrying a heavy burden—feeling judged, isolated, or even blamed for your decision to stay or leave. This kind of shame is complex and deeply personal. It can manifest as:
- Self-blame: Wondering if you missed signs or could have done something to prevent the offence.
- Social stigma: Facing judgment or exclusion from others who associate you with the offender.
- Identity conflict: Struggling to reconcile your relationship with the person who offended and your own values.
- Silencing: Feeling unable to talk about your experience for fear of being misunderstood or retraumatised.
This shame can be compounded by a lack of support. Systems often focus on victims/survivors and offenders, leaving those in the middle—family members, loved ones, and others—without a clear space to process their own emotions.
It’s important to acknowledge that this kind of shame is valid. Healing requires space to talk, to be heard, and to be supported without judgment. Peer support groups, trauma-informed services, and open conversations can make a huge difference. If you are experiencing shame, please do reach out to professionals or loved ones for support. You can also access support from others through our Family and Friends Forum and our Inform programme.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
Shame is often discussed in the context of those who commit offences—how they process guilt and how society responds to their actions. But there's another, quieter experience of shame that deserves attention: the shame felt by those who are indirectly impacted by someone else's offending.
Whether you're a partner, ex-partner, family member or friend of someone who has engaged in online sexual offending towards children, the emotional impact can be significant. You may feel like you’re carrying a heavy burden—feeling judged, isolated, or even blamed for your decision to stay or leave. This kind of shame is complex and deeply personal. It can manifest as:
- Self-blame: Wondering if you missed signs or could have done something to prevent the offence.
- Social stigma: Facing judgment or exclusion from others who associate you with the offender.
- Identity conflict: Struggling to reconcile your relationship with the person who offended and your own values.
- Silencing: Feeling unable to talk about your experience for fear of being misunderstood or retraumatised.
This shame can be compounded by a lack of support. Systems often focus on victims/survivors and offenders, leaving those in the middle—family members, loved ones, and others—without a clear space to process their own emotions.
It’s important to acknowledge that this kind of shame is valid. Healing requires space to talk, to be heard, and to be supported without judgment. Peer support groups, trauma-informed services, and open conversations can make a huge difference. If you are experiencing shame, please do reach out to professionals or loved ones for support. You can also access support from others through our Family and Friends Forum and our Inform programme.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team