Family and Friends Forum

I understand that that my journey has been relatively short compared to others but I feel that as much as it can be that my journey is reaching it's conclusion - but it has changed my life irrevocably and has left scars.

My husband of 30 odd years was arrested in June 22. I can remember the utter despair, the total isolation, the confusion of what to do for the best, the fear for the future and the thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. There are moments I will never forget - seeing my adult son cry, telling his mum, the online abuse and having my home targeted.

In March 23 I told him it was over after he was rearrested for breaking bail conditions and he received a custodial sentence the following month.

It felt like some of the weight lifted and I tried to rebuild my life by keeping as busy as possible - I tried to be in the house as little as possible as I hated being there. With the help of family ( I lost my mum whilst he was in prison and thankfully kept it all from her as she was in a care home) and some amazingly supportive friends and colleagues (I'm still discovering those that have unfriended me in SM) I kept myself busy.

I managed to source some counselling through a military charity and whilst I was very sceptical it helped hugely. It made me realise that I was suffering from grief for losing the life I thought I had and why I was only feeling sad and not angry.

I'm very good at sticking my head in the sand to avoid making decisions so life as a single person carried on. I took up new hobbies and met new folk.

He was released in April 24 and agreed to pay half the mortgage till I decided what to do. It took me another 12 months to decide I needed to move on and the house was put in the market. I was scared for what the future held - where I was going to live and scared about how I would manage on my own financially.

This September I bought a small flat in a neighbouring town for me and my cats. It has been difficult downsizing and getting rid of 'stuff' I should be in an episode of Horders but I'll get there. I wouldn't have been able to buy the flat without a small legacy from my mum for which I'll be eternally grateful. I won't be retiring anytime soon as I'm almost 58 with a 10 year mortgage with eye watering repayments.

I wouldn't have got through this last but without the support of the most lovely bloke I started going out with last Christmas. We have been known each other for several years through parkrun but when we realised we were both alone last Christmas we started meeting for walks and coffee. It developed very slowly into a relationship. He didn't know what had happened to me but he accepts it and has supported me emotionally and practically. I've no idea where it is going but enjoying the moment. Do I want to live with someone else again or even get married? I'm not sure. I have my home and he has his and so far it seems to be working.

Last week I filed for divorce. I'm hoping it will be closure and I'll be free from him and what he did. I don't want to be associated with him as I knew if I stayed that his offending would never go away. I knew it would come back some day and turn our lives upside down again. After what he did I no longer trust him and don't believe most if what he says. To me he has shown little remorse for what he did to me

I will be forever thankful that my sons were adults when this happened so no SW involvement. They have lost their dad as they don't want anything to do with him. I worry about how this will affect them in later life.

I can't forgive him for what he has done to me - or his poor mum. I've managed to shield her from some of it but he has broken her heart.

I'm not saying I'm not apprehensive of the future but I've now got the chance at almost 58 to make it the best I can. And for the first time in over 3 years I feel safe in my home, I can sit and do nothing. I feel like I can breathe.

My heart goes out to everyone on this most awful of rollercoaster rides. I wouldn't want this journey that we can't speak about openly on anyone.

I will probably come off this forum now. But it helped me in my darkest moments to know that I wasn't alone. I can recommend the Talking Forward online meetings - talking to others in a similar situation helped so much. Medication also helped for a while.

I wish everyone in this journey the very best. There are no right or wrong decisions & you have to do what you think is best for you and your family.

We are all stronger than we realise. When I look back I can't believe I got through it. But I did. It has left scars. I'm not the same person. But in the words of Elton John I'm still standing.

Thank you to those who were there for me in here. I'm grateful for the listening ears, the advice and the feeling of not being alone. It's the club no one wants to be in but there is a future for all of us out there. Might not be what we imagined and you might not think it right now - but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Stay strong and much love x