How can I change this??
Notifications OFF
Another PLO meeting today
my husbands risk assessment bu social just says they don't want to change anything whatsoever without psych assessment from someone called Alex Marshall , has anyone had experience with him??
also my solicitor said why am I not supervising with a super positive capacity to protect assessment and it's being said that they are worried I'll just minimise the risk and my bond with my husband is the problem....will that opinion ever change?? How can I make it clear that isn't true? I can't live my life knowing someone thinks that of me it's made me be sick I'm broken by it, it's not true at all
my kids come well before him or anyone, and hearing them say untrue things about me is making my mental health so poor I feel I can barely function, surely I can prove them wrong thinking something that is totally wrong? How can I supervise successfully without showing to em physically what I'm capable of??
how do I fight and prove my capability ? A family member can just say "yes I understand the risk" and supervise??? They can't be biased or minimise risk?? Can't live this way forever, I though this psych assessment was going to be the way forward for us, now it just sounds like they all work together and they said it's independent, what exactly is the right thing to say or do to prove we do understand and care, we say the right thing and all they say is "you could just be saying that because you think that's what we want to hear" I'm sorry what??? That's madness....
also my solicitor said psychologist just works with social and will recommend similar??
how do we fix our life and get him back home im pregnant and concerned my baby is being harmed
all they're doing is causing more harm than my husband it feels at this rate
I wanna message social worker what could I say to suggest I really do understand and my child comes first because all I do is comply and follow plans and protect my child with my life....I'm a failed parent I must be.
my husbands risk assessment bu social just says they don't want to change anything whatsoever without psych assessment from someone called Alex Marshall , has anyone had experience with him??
also my solicitor said why am I not supervising with a super positive capacity to protect assessment and it's being said that they are worried I'll just minimise the risk and my bond with my husband is the problem....will that opinion ever change?? How can I make it clear that isn't true? I can't live my life knowing someone thinks that of me it's made me be sick I'm broken by it, it's not true at all
my kids come well before him or anyone, and hearing them say untrue things about me is making my mental health so poor I feel I can barely function, surely I can prove them wrong thinking something that is totally wrong? How can I supervise successfully without showing to em physically what I'm capable of??
how do I fight and prove my capability ? A family member can just say "yes I understand the risk" and supervise??? They can't be biased or minimise risk?? Can't live this way forever, I though this psych assessment was going to be the way forward for us, now it just sounds like they all work together and they said it's independent, what exactly is the right thing to say or do to prove we do understand and care, we say the right thing and all they say is "you could just be saying that because you think that's what we want to hear" I'm sorry what??? That's madness....
also my solicitor said psychologist just works with social and will recommend similar??
how do we fix our life and get him back home im pregnant and concerned my baby is being harmed
all they're doing is causing more harm than my husband it feels at this rate
I wanna message social worker what could I say to suggest I really do understand and my child comes first because all I do is comply and follow plans and protect my child with my life....I'm a failed parent I must be.
Hi,
Have you done any courses or research to understand offending, how to spot the signs of abuse etc?
In my opinion when they talk about your bond with your husband being a problem they are likely referring to you being emotionally or financially dependent on him. It's very difficult especially since in most relationships this is considered normal and essentially we are expected to cut all of those ties to prove that we won't allow our children to be harmed for the sake of maintaining that emotional and financial stability.
I was in a very fortunate position where I had come out of a long marriage before moving in with my partner and we hadn't actually lived together for very long before the knock. Everything was in my name so I had no financial dependence on him. I also ended the relationship at the knock, took on solo parenting, did lots of research and two well respected courses, worked on my own mental health to build myself up to being emotionally independent, created a watertight safety plan and then went back to them to say I'd like to resume our relationship and for him to gradually move back in xxx
Have you done any courses or research to understand offending, how to spot the signs of abuse etc?
In my opinion when they talk about your bond with your husband being a problem they are likely referring to you being emotionally or financially dependent on him. It's very difficult especially since in most relationships this is considered normal and essentially we are expected to cut all of those ties to prove that we won't allow our children to be harmed for the sake of maintaining that emotional and financial stability.
I was in a very fortunate position where I had come out of a long marriage before moving in with my partner and we hadn't actually lived together for very long before the knock. Everything was in my name so I had no financial dependence on him. I also ended the relationship at the knock, took on solo parenting, did lots of research and two well respected courses, worked on my own mental health to build myself up to being emotionally independent, created a watertight safety plan and then went back to them to say I'd like to resume our relationship and for him to gradually move back in xxx
My heart breaks for you, I was in a similar situation and some of the things social services said to Me was just horrific. I was told I'm putting my own sexual needs before my children and they basically but not in so many words told me I would allow my children to be abused in it ment keeping up the appearance of a perfect life. It's been almost a year but my partner is now allowed home 70% of the time. Hopefully by Christmas it will be permanent. My only advice is don't rush them and don't keep pushing to.supervise just remain clear that the end goal will be for your partner to return home if its safe to do so. It's long, stressful and extremely hard work but you will get there. Just make sure your always telling them you understand he will always be a risk but it's a risk with the right plans in place you as a mum can manage.
My heart truly breaks for you.
Good luck.
My heart truly breaks for you.
Good luck.
Just wanted to share my experience. SS took us to PLO, we had a forensic psychologist assessment- capacity to protect on me and risk of sexual harm on my OH. I was extremely sceptical about the person they appointed as she is also a social worker. They classed her as independent as she works in a different authority and has no connection to our authority. This is the problem with online offences, it's so subjective and people can basically write what they want about you, even create hypothetical situations. In the assessment that they wrote to escalate our case to PLO they wrote that our daughter is internalising anxiety which is causing her emotional harm. I mean seriously WTF, she has 100% attendance at school, the school nurse closed her case last year after doing her assessment.
This is exactly why I have gone to the ombudsman. They cannot write lies about you or your family without evidence.
My OH's assessment came back as low risk- SS have admitted defeat now.
Unfortunately this is a common excuse with SS- if you stay with your OH, they use it against you and accuse you of either being in denial, minimising risk and not taking it seriously.
Just evidence that you are taking it seriously- any course you have done, own reasearch, any courses he has , any boundaries you have put in place etc..
xx
This is exactly why I have gone to the ombudsman. They cannot write lies about you or your family without evidence.
My OH's assessment came back as low risk- SS have admitted defeat now.
Unfortunately this is a common excuse with SS- if you stay with your OH, they use it against you and accuse you of either being in denial, minimising risk and not taking it seriously.
Just evidence that you are taking it seriously- any course you have done, own reasearch, any courses he has , any boundaries you have put in place etc..
xx
Thankyou all
ive done so much my assessment covered my understanding of the following
signs of abuse in children
plans for emergency contacts and places to stay if anything was to be suspicious in my husbands behaviour
I read the Lucy faithful site and documents int here regularly to improve understanding
I explain how serious this is and how children are vulnerable and should be protected
I explain my husband would not be forgiven if anything were to happen and he has one change (he's been accused of a breach wrongly and I know it's wrong but I feel they are holding it against me as if to say oh thought he had one chance why you still with him)
I feel my pregnancy is held against me (I'd protect 2 just as well as 1!)
I've completed an NSPCC course I paid for and have a book specialised in protecting children from sexual abuse
I've done SO much, I feel a terrible parent and living with the burden that I am seen to not put my children first
I know a few people have said take a break from the relationship and it looks good to them, but in my eyes they say be open and honest, by doing that I'm not being honest to myself or them as we want to work through this together , we've come so far, no evidence of breaking safety plans at all and open communication.
I'm not dependent on him as if I were to leave the home if he with my mum and therefore no worries about paying for the house
I want them to put me forward for a psych assessment to be honest if they had this issue with me then why haven't they done so already
I hope this assessment with psychologist comes out positive but according to my solicitor they're rarely different from the social's point of view?
is there any hope?? What's the right things he should be saying? I know I shouldn't ask but he does understand what he's done wrong but he really struggles with words and they're always accusing him of saying different things to them and probation (similar thing he's just worded it differently but it's gone against him)
I just need a glimmer of hope
ive done so much my assessment covered my understanding of the following
signs of abuse in children
plans for emergency contacts and places to stay if anything was to be suspicious in my husbands behaviour
I read the Lucy faithful site and documents int here regularly to improve understanding
I explain how serious this is and how children are vulnerable and should be protected
I explain my husband would not be forgiven if anything were to happen and he has one change (he's been accused of a breach wrongly and I know it's wrong but I feel they are holding it against me as if to say oh thought he had one chance why you still with him)
I feel my pregnancy is held against me (I'd protect 2 just as well as 1!)
I've completed an NSPCC course I paid for and have a book specialised in protecting children from sexual abuse
I've done SO much, I feel a terrible parent and living with the burden that I am seen to not put my children first
I know a few people have said take a break from the relationship and it looks good to them, but in my eyes they say be open and honest, by doing that I'm not being honest to myself or them as we want to work through this together , we've come so far, no evidence of breaking safety plans at all and open communication.
I'm not dependent on him as if I were to leave the home if he with my mum and therefore no worries about paying for the house
I want them to put me forward for a psych assessment to be honest if they had this issue with me then why haven't they done so already
I hope this assessment with psychologist comes out positive but according to my solicitor they're rarely different from the social's point of view?
is there any hope?? What's the right things he should be saying? I know I shouldn't ask but he does understand what he's done wrong but he really struggles with words and they're always accusing him of saying different things to them and probation (similar thing he's just worded it differently but it's gone against him)
I just need a glimmer of hope
It sounds like you're doing everything you can do. There isn't anything that he should be saying for the assessment. The questions that they ask aren't necessarily related to the offending but rather how he views himself and the world around him to try to establish any patterns of behaviour that may be seen as risky.
Has he done anything to address the behaviour? Does he have anything in place to monitor his behaviour online? xxx
Has he done anything to address the behaviour? Does he have anything in place to monitor his behaviour online? xxx
I really am trying
I said again today I don't like being seen as minimising when it's not true , I've been up all night so rather unwell today
out core group had police in and they were going on people like him don't all go home and that he doesn't understand and all this...asking what kids are in my family an wanting to visit me it's all too much I know what he's done I don't need to keep hearing it.
he's done therapy
safer lives
this choice about making better choices which so far has gone positive
but thy were horrid today, he said about how he wants to change the future and wishes he could change the past, and how seeing his son cry when he leaves breaks his heard and all police would say is "well just think of it like this, it's YOUR fault he's crying" , "people like you don't always ge to go home"
what so live like this forever?
surely there's an end to this did anyone else get such vile comments x
I said again today I don't like being seen as minimising when it's not true , I've been up all night so rather unwell today
out core group had police in and they were going on people like him don't all go home and that he doesn't understand and all this...asking what kids are in my family an wanting to visit me it's all too much I know what he's done I don't need to keep hearing it.
he's done therapy
safer lives
this choice about making better choices which so far has gone positive
but thy were horrid today, he said about how he wants to change the future and wishes he could change the past, and how seeing his son cry when he leaves breaks his heard and all police would say is "well just think of it like this, it's YOUR fault he's crying" , "people like you don't always ge to go home"
what so live like this forever?
surely there's an end to this did anyone else get such vile comments x
No you really shouldn't have to put up with comments like that! Why are the police attending core groups? I've never heard of that. This is what annoys me when the professionals - and I use that term loosely, let their personal opinions spill out.
I've been in this position a few months ago when I just felt attacked and I emailed the team manager and said if I'm going to be belittled in core groups then I won't attend them and want this putting on record.
Big hugs to you- Just to let you know that in my assessment by the psychologist she made a comment about having to cope with being judged and made a stand alone comment about this is not my shame to carry. That was quite a powerful thing to say.
xx
I've been in this position a few months ago when I just felt attacked and I emailed the team manager and said if I'm going to be belittled in core groups then I won't attend them and want this putting on record.
Big hugs to you- Just to let you know that in my assessment by the psychologist she made a comment about having to cope with being judged and made a stand alone comment about this is not my shame to carry. That was quite a powerful thing to say.
xx
Was your psych assessment funded by social sorry if I've asked before...I've not been offered one but I feel like I'm a monster and a bad mother as if I'm a criminal myself. Or there's something wrong with me for being with my Husband...there's more to someone than what they do during their bad times , people can fix themselves.
are these psychologists funded by social truly independent as that's my absolute worry right now and I feel this is our lifeline now .... I might ask if I can be assessed.
are these psychologists funded by social truly independent as that's my absolute worry right now and I feel this is our lifeline now .... I might ask if I can be assessed.
Yes my LA paid for both assessments. My capacity to protect and risk of sexual harm on my OH. Like I said, I was sceptical due to the LA funding these and the psychologist also being a social worker. It came out good for us. I do find it odd that they haven't commissioned an assessment for yourself. They usually assess both parents- what risk does the offending parent pose and is the non offending parent able to protect.
xx
xx
The SS can be tricky sometimes and unfortunately your mental health isn't their top priority it's your kids. But how we are treated does affect the kids because them making you mentally unwell can have an impact. I have seriously seen an improvement in my daughter since they backed away. She clearly could sense my anxiety and the spiral of depression i was constantly fighting because they make me feel so unwell.
Even though we have discussed soo many times with them about what mines been accused of (every 1 and a half weeks for 5 months) they still say they don't believe I fully understand what he is being accused of. I'm allowed to supervise my husband though. I don't know if that's due to their age (they're 1) or at the time I firsr saw the SS i made it very clear that it would be detrimental to their mental health if I wasn't the one to supervise and explained why.
Even though we have discussed soo many times with them about what mines been accused of (every 1 and a half weeks for 5 months) they still say they don't believe I fully understand what he is being accused of. I'm allowed to supervise my husband though. I don't know if that's due to their age (they're 1) or at the time I firsr saw the SS i made it very clear that it would be detrimental to their mental health if I wasn't the one to supervise and explained why.