Family and Friends Forum

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Welcome

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation

Member since
August 2018

2 posts

Posted Tue August 28, 2018 12:49pmReport post

Welcome to the Family and Friends Forum. In recent years we have spoken to hundreds of people who have been affected by someone close to them viewing sexual images of children online. Of course everyone is different but we know that many family members are deeply shocked and distressed by their family member’s behaviour, and often their lives are turned upside down. People typically feel isolated and alone, too. Not only do we hope this Forum will be a valuable source of information, we want it to reduce people’s sense of isolation and to give them a sense of hope for the future.

Please note that this is an open forum. However, if you want to post a message – and we hope you do – you will need to register.

Edited by moderator Thu May 23, 2019 1:49pm

Trayce420

Member since
September 2018

1 post

Posted Wed September 5, 2018 7:26pmReport post

thank you for welcome I was wondering where the forum is? I can only see this post only?

Lucy from Stop it Now!

Member since
September 2018

70 posts

Posted Thu September 6, 2018 5:28pmReport post

Hi Trayce420, thank you for registering and, yes, you have come to the right place! The forum is brand new (this week), so thank you for helping us get going. New threads will be posted over the coming days and feel free to start one yourself if you wish - you might simply want to say what your situation is, or you might have a question to ask, whatever. Of course, if you need support now and want to speak to someone in person, then please call our confidential Stop it Now! Helpline on 0808 1000 900. The lines are open from 9.00am to 9.00pm Mon-Thurs and 9.00am - 5.00pm on Fridays. Thanks.

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Thu September 6, 2018 6:34pmReport post

I'm so pleased to see that there is a forum here to help family members. When my husband was arrested about 2 years ago I felt really lonely. I appreciated the professional help that was available, and I did use the Stopitnow! Helpline a couple of times. But I really wanted to know how it feels for women to go through what I was going through and I needed to hear it from first-hand experience. I suppose I'm a bit further down the road than some women who will be reading this, so if I can help anyone who is going through the first really painful months I really will try. I do still feel upset, angry, confused and depressed sometimes so I'm looking forward to the kind of support others can provide for me as well.

Wife and mum

Member since
September 2018

34 posts

Posted Fri September 7, 2018 1:38pmReport post

Hi everyone, I'm a wife of an offender (internet images of child abuse). I am so pleased to see this forum. My husband was arrested 8 years ago when my children were 3 and 7. It was absolute hell for me, BUT i am so thrilled to see that the family are now recognised as a victim. We may not have been abused (in some cases) but we need support. Our lives have been blown apart and we cannot be expected to deal with the pain and shame and isolation alone. I have to say that 8 years ago we were. But it is changing and this forum is a wonderful start.

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Fri September 7, 2018 2:21pmReport post

Please, if you are in a similar situation, join the forum even if it is only to introduce yourself and follow the discussions. We will be so much stronger if we can support each other.

SophieT

Member since
September 2018

4 posts

Posted Tue September 11, 2018 9:28amReport post

I am so glad that this forum has been set up. The one thing we all have in common is the feeling of isolation, and a lot of hurt and confusion. I hope that we can all offer support and advice to other friends and family going through this awful experience. My husband was arrested over 9 months ago and has thankfully been through the criminal justice system very quickly, but the fallout continues. I'm here if anyone is going though it alone and needs any help, advice or just a virtual shoulder to cry on!

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Tue September 11, 2018 6:27pmReport post

Welcome! It's really great to know that family members are logging on the forum and gaining strength from the support that is available here. We've all been through some terrible things, and it's so good to know that there are other people out there who understand the confusion, hurt, sense of betrayal etc. that we all feel. We can be a great source of strength to each other.

Wife and mum

Member since
September 2018

34 posts

Posted Thu September 13, 2018 11:18amReport post

Hello Sophie T!! Welcome and huge hugs and support back at you. I'm a wife of an internet offender - 8 years on. It's going to be OK. You are going to be OK.

serrena

Member since
September 2018

7 posts

Posted Thu September 13, 2018 9:41pmReport post

hi

well this is really hard but glad i may have found somewhere to get support for all the thoughts and feelings i have right now.

im the only daughter no siblings and a mentally ill mother and my dads the offender only found out from a call made to me from social sevices last october dad arrested for indecent images on lap top. last week we were in court and i heard more that my dad wont even say to me making and sending images of all catogory images.

im discusted hurt ashamed embarrassed and devistated and at a total loss of how to think and feel. i love my dad so much but now i hate him just as much too. hes a broken man over it as we are now awaiting sentencing in 4 weeks as court was ajourned cos hes carer for my mum



please help me

xxx

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Fri September 14, 2018 11:30amReport post

Hi Serrena,

I'm so glad you have found us. You sound really lonely and confused, and I want you to know that there are people on this forum who understand what it is like to have this bombshell in their lives. It's really natural to feel love and hate at the same time, and to feel embarrassment and shame even though you have done nothing wrong. I hope we are able to help you. Just let us know what you want to talk about and we can talk. My husband was arrested over 2 years ago, so things are not quite as raw for me right now. I might be able to help you achieve some perspective, and you can always ask questions which we may or may not be able to answer! Or just express your feelings to a group of people who you know will be sympathetic.

Sending love and virtual hugs. You are not on your own now XX

Lucy from Stop it Now!

Member since
September 2018

70 posts

Posted Fri September 14, 2018 1:39pmReport post

Hi Serrena, thanks for your post - I'm really pleased you have found this forum. It sounds like you have had a difficult year and we know from other people in similar situations to you how distressing the court process can be for family members. The mixed feelings you have about your father are completely understandable, too. Sometimes people find it helpful to try and separate, in their own minds, the person from their behaviour: family members often love the person who has broken the law in this way while at the same time being rightly appalled by what they have done.

I wonder what support you have? Of course, please feel free to use this forum. And you are also welcome to call our confidential Stop it Now! Helpline on 0808 1000 900. The lines are open from 9.00am - 9.00pm Mon - Thurs; and 9.00 - 5.00pm on Fridays. The lines can get busy so if you don't get straight through, please do try again. (We are increasing staffing in the coming weeks, so getting through to the Helpline will become easier).

In the meantime, thanks again for your post and best wishes to you.

Edited by moderator Fri September 14, 2018 1:41pm

D

Member since
September 2018

71 posts

Posted Wed September 19, 2018 5:46pmReport post

I’m so glad this resource is here, as like Esther has said the thing I feel I need most right now is reassurance or support from others who have some understanding of what is happening because they are going or have been through it too.

I'm sorry we all need to be here, but I’m glad we can support each other.

My partner was arrested 2 weeks ago for suspected possession of images. Our electronics were all seized, and I discovered an aspect of my partner I never could have dreamt existed. It’s all still pretty fresh for me, although it’s been the longest 2 weeks of my life. I’m trying to educate myself as much as possible on what I can do to support my partner (whilst taking care of myself too!), but it feels like time moves very slowly and we have a long way to go.

A.J.

Member since
September 2018

1 post

Posted Mon October 1, 2018 10:09amReport post

Hi,

I'm the only child of an offender. My parents are divorced and most of the time I feel like I have no one to talk to about it, so I'm really glad you've created this forum, so thank you.

My dad was convicted 4 years ago and served a 2 and half year suspended sentence. He was put on the Sex offenders register, made to go to counselling with the probation service and had limits on all his electronics. This is where the new issue started.

For some reason, and I struggle with understanding this everyday, he decided to buy and use a device that wasn't being monitored by the police (they installed tracking software on the devices he was allowed to use), then when the police did a spot check (another condition he had) they found the device and he was rearrested. I don't know what they'll find on the device, if anything, he's pretty cryptic about it, but he's breached the conditions of the sex offenders register so will almost certainly be going to prison. The probation service has told him it's a 75% chance and his solicitor has said it's nearer 90%.

Although the initial arrest was 4 years ago, I still really struggle with it. At the time, I lost my job because of it. I became a recluse and didn't work for 9 months as I didn't want to tell people. I struggled with mental health issues because of it which are still ongoing and being treated. Now it's happened again and although I have a stronger support network this time around, I still feel completely alone. I have so many questions about prison and being the family member outside, I just don't know where to turn for help or advice.

It took me so long to get up the courage to write this post because even writing it down is admitting it. I just hope that this forum can allow us all to support each other through the experiences we are facing.

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Mon October 1, 2018 12:06pmReport post

Hello A.J., and thank you for telling us about your circumstances. I feel so much for you - you are in a very difficult and lonely situation. I'm really pleased that you had the courage to write on the forum. I hope it is the first step in you getting the support that you need and crave. We are here for you. I wish I could give you a hug in person! I would strongly recommend that you also give the Stop it Now! helpline a ring. The operators are lovely and supportive. They will be able to provide you with some answers and information that I can't provide.

However, I also want you to know that the family members who write on this forum have all been through devastating personal experiences. We have our individual sets of circumstances, but we do all understand the impact of sex offending on the innocent bystanders. Nobody is judgemental, so please ask any questions you want and be honest in your feelings. We are all trying to get through this muddle in the best way we can, and it's good to share our concerns and discuss the issues that we find so confusing. Do remember that you have done nothing wrong, and that you have your future to cherish. I hope your father will tell you the same thing. Take care of yourself. With love X

Hannah

Member since
October 2018

1 post

Posted Tue October 2, 2018 6:48pmReport post

Hello,

I feel really nervous about posting in here so forgive me if i go off on a tangent. I am the partner of an offender (viewing indecent images) the police originally turned up in January and took all of our technology items from the house. I was so shocked i didn't know what was going on. My other half told me not to worry it would all be okay. It werent until July when he was finally called into the police station for an interview. I didnt believe anything had actually happened. The day he came hom he told me that he had been viewing these images. I immediately ended the relationship and he went to live elsewhere.

Since then, my life has been absolute hell. His family have turned their back on him because of what he has done. Every single day is a battle with him. He wont let me go. He was in care as a child and then in a long term foster care from the age of 4. He says the reason he was doing this was to hurt himself and no one else. Its like a switch in his brain and he isnt reality when this is happening. It all started with watching porn and once he became addicted it wasn't enough and it gradually escalated. I am at a complete loss of what to do.



I am currently in the house and trying to sell it as i can't live here anymore. He still wants to show me that we can be together and be a family but i just cant get past what he has done. I have told a few close members of my family the real reason we have split up and they dont even want to hear his name. Other than that i have had to lie to everyone which is the hardest part.

Im not really sure if im even asking for anything i just need to see if there is anyone else in this same situation because i feel so alone.

D

Member since
September 2018

71 posts

Posted Tue October 2, 2018 8:50pmReport post

Hi Hannah, although each of our situations is slightly different, we all understand the pain and emotions you are going through. I have found this to be an incredibly supportive community, full of people willing to share their experiences and just be there to listen when needed. Please do get involved with the conversations if you feel you want to do so, and know that we are all here if you need us. Xx

Bev68

Member since
October 2018

6 posts

Posted Sun October 7, 2018 12:34pmReport post

Hi everybody..

I am in a slightly different situation as my husband was arrested for arranging to meet a child for sex although it was set up by police after he was visiting porn websites for many years without my knowledge.This was nearly 3 years ago he got a suspended jail sentence and i was foolish enough to disbelieve that he could of done such a thing..I protected him throughout .. fortunately my friends and neighbours dont know but most of his family do apart from his elderly mother and they have supported him. I know this offence occured due to porn addiction which has been present throughout his life.Now nearly 3 years down the line i feel totally confused by everything..he still lives with me we have 2 adult children who know about his offending ..i have asked him to leave a few times he tries to reassure me that nothing will ever happen again and wants to stay with me but i dont feel that i can ever trust him i feel isolated and alone ..my head is so confused by everything am i stupid to give him another chance..?

JB72

Member since
October 2018

68 posts

Posted Tue October 16, 2018 10:15amReport post

Hi bev

my situation sounds very similar to yours, my husband was arrested for facilitating to meet a minor, he said it wouldn’t have happened and he had no intention of meeting in fact he didn’t even believe she existed it was just chat, he’s promised his equipment will show no evidence of meeting or indecent images, he’s really scared as am I, please could you talk through your experience, did they find evidence to suggest he met? And how? How long did the process take? His phone, laptop and iPad have been seized and they said it could take up to 9 months, was this similar to your story?

thanks jb

Snuggle

Member since
October 2018

19 posts

Posted Tue October 16, 2018 11:51amReport post

Hi JB

My husband was arrested and charged with grooming and arranging to meet a minor. I have supported him and i am still doing, he has spent time in prison and is now out. He cannot live with us as I have 2 giirls at home.

My nightmare started January 2017, sent to prison in the April. i got all our computers back etc in the may/june time. In the february wheb we were in court the judge told the pokice they had 8weeks to get any more evidwnce of the computers and my husband phone which by the way came back jn pieces and unuseable. I think in our case as my hisband admitted to what he had done from the start it helped him.

sorry for any misspellings, my kindle is playing up.

JB72

Member since
October 2018

68 posts

Posted Tue October 16, 2018 1:53pmReport post

Hi snuggle

thanks for your reply, did they find evidence of your husband meeting then? My husband was in a chat room and his solicitor has told him he hasn’t done anything the other person enticed him into the conversation, we also think this the other person is a bigger fish to fry in terms of the police collecting evidence, my husband has no evidence of meeting anyone, we’re both trying to remain positive at the moment as we know it’s such a lengthy process and we’re only into day 4! I just want to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter and basically clinging onto any positive outcomes there can be for my situation

thanks jb

Snuggle

Member since
October 2018

19 posts

Posted Tue October 16, 2018 8:58pmReport post

Hi

There was evidence of the conversation on the site and on his emals, but the prosecution wanted to go down the route of actual meeting and assault. As this did not happen my husband stuck to what he had done, and that is what he was sent to prison for.

Bev68

Member since
October 2018

6 posts

Posted Wed October 17, 2018 4:36pmReport post

Hi both

with regard to my experience my husband was convicted of arranging or facilitating to have sex with a child.This was after engaging in conversation in a barely legal chatroom called "motherless" unknown to him he was speaking to a undercover police officer..the "woman" he was speaking to said she had access to a 13 yr old female which later became 12yrs who he could meet for sex he would be meeting her at a prearranged place. He met the woman at a cafe where arrangements were made to meet the girl however it was a sting by the police he was arrested and charged. our house was raided by police and all computer equipment was taken.he maintained to me that he intended to have sex with the adult woman and i believed him this was nearly 3 years ago..he got a 2 yrs suspended sentence ..he has now recently admitted that he would have had sex with the girl..although there never was any girl having been set up by police the intention was still there ..i afforded him too much respect and loyalty but as time has gone by i realise that it would have happened.i believe the catalyst for this crime was an addiction to pornography which was present in his life from being a teenager that spiralled out of control culminating in this horrendous crime.we are still together but i dont know what the future will bring.fortunately the neighbours dont know and my family dont know..he has managed to rebuild his life and got another job..i hope that you can rebuild your lives too and whatever decision you make then that is up to you..if i can help any further just post whatever question on here.

Best Wishes Bev x

Scooby

Member since
October 2018

13 posts

Posted Thu October 18, 2018 5:14pmReport post

Hi, this is very hard but nice to have somewhere to turn to

my husband of 25 years was recently convicted of grooming and possession of all class images, he was set up by a vigilante group and it was posted in the internet which is how we found out- it was live streamed and sent to my 18 year old daughter. I also have a 17 year old son and his parents live with us.

Luckily with the grooming he was only ever talking to the vigilantes and not a real young girl.he has now been convicted and given a suspended sentence and so register. He doesn’t know why he did it and it is very out of character but is working with probation.

We (the family) are really struggling as we still love him. After the vigilante attack he suffered a mental breakdown and was hospitalised, so we never got to shout and scream at him and we all tiptoe round him so as not to cause him more distress.

he lost his job and we are having to sell our house to pay off debts, I am also losing my job as I work for the police and have been told I cannot associate with him if I stay in my job.

My kids struggle to accept what their dad did and so do I, his parents are destroyed by it and I’m having to look after them too, my friends turned their backs on me as I am staying with him (for now anyway, although we will never have a proper marriage again) and we have changed our names. He needs my support and I can’t turn my back on him, it breaks my heart to see him suffering, despite it being his fault but don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by staying but struggling with my own mental health right now while facing homelessness and trying to find a new job.

JB72

Member since
October 2018

68 posts

Posted Thu October 18, 2018 5:53pmReport post

Hi scooby

your experience sounds horrendous and I really feel for you and your family, I hope you can find the support you need from here, I’m only into week one of this and don’t know what’s round the corner so take each day as it comes but found others in similar situations although so sad really helpful sharing their stories, take care and we are all here for you xxx

Hope

Member since
November 2018

13 posts

Posted Tue November 6, 2018 4:48pmReport post

Hello, I'm Hope.

I got the knock three weeks ago and am feeling so, so fragile. Trying to keep things going with my 15 yr old daughter.

I feel I need some kind of guardian angel to follow me round all day and tell me I haven't done anything wrong.

Things seem to be going OK and then something else happens.

Any kind words much appreciated. I'm so glad I've found this forum.

Paula

Member since
September 2018

75 posts

Posted Tue November 6, 2018 6:06pmReport post

Hi Hope, you have come to the right place for contact and reassurance from those of us who understand what you are going through. I would strongly advise you phone the helpline on this website. Keep trying if at first you don’t get through. You need support. And you will find it here.

Sending you hugs

Paula xx

R

Member since
November 2018

2 posts

Posted Sun November 18, 2018 7:36pmReport post

Hello everyone, the information on this website has been a big help to me and although it's horrible that we are all here it has meant that I don't feel quite as alone as I have done. Thank you all for having the courage to write about your experiences.

For me, it's been just over a year since the knock. Fortunately (or unfortunately, I waiver between the two) I was away when I received a call from him to say that he had been arrested, and he also admitted that he cheated on me. I wasn't able to return home for a few days but made arrangements with his family to have him out by the time I returned. This is still something I find difficult because apart from being extremely upset over the phone when I found out and couple of messages to close move out and close accounts I haven't had any contact with him and incredibly have avoided bumping into him. Some days I wonder if I should arrange to meet him but I still don't think I have the strength.

The police are also still going through his possessions (I've got all mine back) and so haven't told me what charges they'll be bringing, if any. He owned up to chat room messaging but I guess they're looking for images. It just seems like this has taken an inordinate amount of time and on the one-year mark I had hoped to have had some closure by now. It feels never ending and such a struggle to move forwards.

Emily

Member since
December 2018

1 post

Posted Wed December 12, 2018 8:58pmReport post

Hello to you all, I’ve read the stories of the lives that lead you here. Now going into my 4th year and having just found this place I finally have some peace in this damned isolating crucifying hell on earth. How did I not get here earlier?! Stop it now.org was simply amazing with me yesterday, thank you dearly Terri.

With almost 4 years under my belt and still going through this utter hell I’d be so grateful just to belong and maybe give any of you the benefit of my mistakes and advice.

much love and comfort to you all xx

Tasha

Member since
December 2018

6 posts

Posted Wed December 19, 2018 5:10pmReport post

Hey,

I just registered on here and honestly feel like I'm home. It's been a long couple of years of secrets and lies, I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time.

I found out about my partner watching child porn 2 years ago. I did nothing about it because he was trying to reform and I didn't want to mess that up - after all he was in a dark place and fell into a habit of watching cp to 'feel alive'. But the guilt has followed me ever since and it hurts. I'm assured that my partner stopped watching it a long time ago and he is also seeking help. Is it right that I carry on this path?

Everyone on this forum is so strong and supportive. I'm genuinely grateful to be here with you all.

Tasha

Loki

Member since
January 2019

2 posts

Posted Sun January 6, 2019 3:46pmReport post

Hello I am new, and here is my story.

My dogs name is Loki!

Last November i was in bed thinking- i sumply must get up soon it's almost 7am. There was a banging on the door then a ringing on the bell then more banging. My first thought was that somone was in trouble,may be the children next door were hurt as I worked at a hospital and people think I am a nurse (Play Specilaist) I rushed down shouting i'm coming or the like. Opened the door to four strangers in they inroduced them selves as the police. They asked is Mr..... Lived here and was in I said no he's gone to work. I let them in. (after seeing badges) Then they said that child porn had been down loaded/viewed from this IP address. I thought it was a mistake!! So I asked them if it was alright to go and get my glasses from my room, then I once again looked at the I.D. It was real !!!!!

Long story short they removed my husbands and my sons (24) computors. On getting hold of my husband he was no over surprised!!

He came home. while I was at work. He contacted the police and said it was him not my son (I knew it would not have been my son)

I had some family members (extended ) take him to a B&B and he has since got a little studio flat.

I am broken, feel betrayed - yet part of feels sorry for him as he is, quite pathtic really.

How do others feel, I feel so alone.

Scrappy

Member since
January 2019

27 posts

Posted Wed January 30, 2019 6:46pmReport post

I’ve found this so comforting today . We have to take each day as it comes x my son has been so silly . The police had all his conversations yesterday. I’ve spoken to them again and they were nice . Arranging to meet a peadophile to trap him without telling anyone is not one of his best moves . We’ve a long road ahead but for now it’s out of our hands x

SallyBlue

Member since
March 2019

53 posts

Posted Wed March 6, 2019 4:53amReport post

Hi,

I'm so glad to see there is a forum. 4 years ago there was nothing to help online. It's so good to hear from other people, I don't feel isolated as much now!

It's been 4 years since my husbands arrest. He was charged with possession of 2000 indecent images of minors and extreme pornography. He was sentenced to 6 months imprisonment (was out after 3), a large fine, 3 years community payback and on the register indefinitely. He was 27 and we had 2 young children.

This week social work closed our files. We are free in a way. We are awaiting a move and changing our names to be free of Google searching.

It's been tough, we lost friends and family. He lost his job as a nurse and then other labourer jobs after he was googled. We haven't lived together since he went to prison in 2015 due to a legal order. Now we can but the harassment is stopping us until we move.

There are days I still struggle but if I can help anyone I will. I'm in Scotland so rules are a bit different to those in other parts of the country.



Thank you so much for having this forum.

Minidriver1975!

Member since
March 2019

1 post

Posted Thu March 7, 2019 6:59pmReport post

Hi, i have just joined today after reporting my now ex partner for viewing child pornography. The trouble is i have such a conflict of emotions, sad, anger, guilty, anxious but the worst for me is, why do i still love this man?! Does anyone else feel the same?

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

231 posts

Posted Thu March 7, 2019 10:23pmReport post

Hi minidriver1975!

What you're feeling is totally normal, it is your head battling your heart. You love the man you thought he was and now you don't know what to believe.

I asked my husband to leave after 4 days but it took me so long to get over him, I call it a bereavement without a body. You're grieving for what you had, your future and your love.

This is normal, your emotion's will be all over the place for a long while, I'm nearly a year down the line and still have days when I don't want to face the world. I find social occasions really hard which others don't really understand.

Lean on us, give yourself done time and be easy on yourself

Xx

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