Family and Friends Forum

Hi everyone I am now 11 months in to the second knock, which was absolutely horrendous and has devastated my boys and my family, the first knock in 2009 only my husband was present in the house, he instantly admitted guilt, and our computer was seized, he was released on bail however could not return home due to Child protection social work threatening to take my children, he the day after his release on bail attempted to take his own life, and was admitted to a psychological unit. He at his hearing received a custodial sentence, and the boys and I continued contact and visits, to cut a long story short once he was released and off licence we returned to a family unit, I found out about stop it now through a friend and

did the Inform course while he was in custody which was fantastic as helped me understand the situation and as to why he did what he did. Fast forward to 2018 when early one morning around 7am a knock came to the door, and I opened it to find 4 or 5 plain clothes police, who asked to come in to investigate a incident, when they entered I was asked to gather everyone in the living room and the lead police read out the warrant, at that very moment my world fell apart, the police searched the house for all devices my husband did own up however they continued to search, after about 3 hours my husband was arrested, I informed the police of his previous mental state and that he could not return home on bail, he did not ask for bail and was remanded in custody, my boys do not want to see him mainly due to his re offending but also their horrendous experience of SW, and dreadful bullying before we moved house. I have made it clear to him that I can't remain in a relationship with him, during his hearing the judge released my address putting my boys and me in further stress and anxiety. Thankfully this time around we have had no problems for neighbours or within school, and my work have been extremely supportive. I as are my boys are on anti depresants anti anxiety medicine and my youngest is receiving support within school. I know am 11 months down the line but it all seems very surreal and as if it's all a dream or a film am watching. He was sentenced to 16 months custodial with a SOPO

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words, this forum is really a godsend as nobody judges, and you all understand the feelings of despair and numbness

Of course I will answer your question questions poster 1st time round my boys were 6 and 12 ( primary 2 and S2) at that time I gave them age appropriate facts and also ensured they were armed with information to keep themselves safe online, my husband is a Internet offender, the boys bullying was from peers and via them being excluded from events they had previously gone to ie birthday parties, on the positive side I and the boys had a small group of very good friends who are still supportive this time around. My youngest has medical conditions that cause severe migraine and sensory issues, however within school this suddenly was all blamed on his dad's offending yes it got worse however it had all been diagnosed years before. The first time not seeing their dad was very painful and stressful for them both especially the oldest as he had always been a daddy's boy. He had counselling the 1st time around, he also was involved in reading about the cycle of offending and understanding it is a serious mental illness like an addiction, they youngest one was told daddy was looking at illegal photos of children on line and talking to girls on line also.

What upsets them this time around is the total betral breech of trust and the utter humiliated at being put under suspicion and having their personal space invaded by thr police, my oldest who is now 22 has had many days where he has completely broken down and been sat sobbing but will talk about his feelings now and of course knows the full extent of his dad's offending. The youngest who has just turned 16 became extremely withdrawn and even more anxious and dosent want to discuss anything with me he just wants the facts, he also know the full extent., from day 1 in 2009 I answered the boys questions as honestly as I could, their dad is not a danger to them or me he is actually a danger to himself, and is extremely remorseful this time around though I have found out things that happened in his childhood that are actually quite disturbing and possibly the root cause of his offending, but in no way an excuse.

Helen444 during the 1st time myself and the boys had phone and I " supervised Contact even when he was in prison 1st time he could phone regularly and we visited weekly he during phone calls spoke directly to the boys.

2nd time around the boys have said they don't want contact and did not visit in prison, for the youngest on it is also due to him not wanting any social service involvement. The older ones just is still now too angry and hurt and is afraid of his reaction to seeing his dad

My husband at present is on licence but is allowed a phone he has one that is not Internet capability, while in prison he could phone me, the only way I could contact him was via letter or the prisoner email system, although they can't reply via email. I hope that all makes sense

This forum is great for being able to speak openly to those is similar situations, it's such a taboo subject most of my friends while they have been and are good they really have no idea what we are going through. My husband was classed as very low risk of reoffending, and as was still on the register had visits from police, he knew the implications of reoffending but this addiction / compulsive behavior seemed to take over him. What I find so different to understand is not so much the addiction as I know it's a mental health problem and something has desensitisatised him. But him actually acting on it knowing the devastation it would cause.