Hello,
I still can't believe what is happening a week ago my whole world was turned upside down and shattered. My OH was arrested for possession of indecent images. Shock and disbelief is an understatement.
We have an amazing little daughter (toddler) who thankfully appears too young to understand what's happened and the impact this has now on all of our futures.
We were due to get married in a matter of months(which has added to the trauma having to cancel everything and inform guests as briefly as possible without leading to speculation about the real reason). we litteraly had the perfect life. I honestly couldn't fault it in any way. Hence why Im going through every emotion possible over and over.
My OH is not managing well mentally and as a result is now living a distance away from our home being supported by his parents. We are still in contact via limited calls mainly to keep the routine as normal as possible to reduce the impact and effect on our daughter. But I'm unsure if his response and reaction to all this is is due to his mental health or denial? As a result it appears he has blocked out exactly what and how often he viewed the content which he assures me was a completely innocent action clicking on link unknown what it would lead to. But this means I am unable to mentally prepare myself for what they are going to find or what may happen next.
I have contacted my gp and been given some time off work for acute stress, my role at work is within a very similar field and other the fact at the moment I can't even think about work I worry its a bit to close to home for me to successfully detach.
Iv also self referred for therapeutic support which I feel is going to be needed moving forward. But I'm prepared for long waiting lists before I accessing the support. I accessed the helpline yesterday which helped just to cry to someone who doesn't know me.
Iv been waiting for SS to confirm the allocated worker and to give me a date for a visit. I am semi prepared for what their opinion will be given my expetience with my professional role. Hence why my OH is away from our home with no plans to be returning any time soon. I still would like to maintain a relationship between my daughter and her dad but appreciate and understand this will need to be supervised and best I believe away from the family home. My partner is stil desperate that in the future we will still get the happy ending we were planning for but right now iv explained this isn't even a topic to discuss given a lot of work needs to be done himself and that needs his energy and focus. This has already impacted me upon literary aspect of my life work, financial, emotional. To top it off my parental capabilities are now about to be under scrutiny.
Apologies for the essay I know its very early days but I'm petrified of what the future looks like for me and my family now.
I still can't believe what is happening a week ago my whole world was turned upside down and shattered. My OH was arrested for possession of indecent images. Shock and disbelief is an understatement.
We have an amazing little daughter (toddler) who thankfully appears too young to understand what's happened and the impact this has now on all of our futures.
We were due to get married in a matter of months(which has added to the trauma having to cancel everything and inform guests as briefly as possible without leading to speculation about the real reason). we litteraly had the perfect life. I honestly couldn't fault it in any way. Hence why Im going through every emotion possible over and over.
My OH is not managing well mentally and as a result is now living a distance away from our home being supported by his parents. We are still in contact via limited calls mainly to keep the routine as normal as possible to reduce the impact and effect on our daughter. But I'm unsure if his response and reaction to all this is is due to his mental health or denial? As a result it appears he has blocked out exactly what and how often he viewed the content which he assures me was a completely innocent action clicking on link unknown what it would lead to. But this means I am unable to mentally prepare myself for what they are going to find or what may happen next.
I have contacted my gp and been given some time off work for acute stress, my role at work is within a very similar field and other the fact at the moment I can't even think about work I worry its a bit to close to home for me to successfully detach.
Iv also self referred for therapeutic support which I feel is going to be needed moving forward. But I'm prepared for long waiting lists before I accessing the support. I accessed the helpline yesterday which helped just to cry to someone who doesn't know me.
Iv been waiting for SS to confirm the allocated worker and to give me a date for a visit. I am semi prepared for what their opinion will be given my expetience with my professional role. Hence why my OH is away from our home with no plans to be returning any time soon. I still would like to maintain a relationship between my daughter and her dad but appreciate and understand this will need to be supervised and best I believe away from the family home. My partner is stil desperate that in the future we will still get the happy ending we were planning for but right now iv explained this isn't even a topic to discuss given a lot of work needs to be done himself and that needs his energy and focus. This has already impacted me upon literary aspect of my life work, financial, emotional. To top it off my parental capabilities are now about to be under scrutiny.
Apologies for the essay I know its very early days but I'm petrified of what the future looks like for me and my family now.
I'm so sorry you've had to join this forum. What you've written sounds so similar to my story in many ways. It is so stressful and challenging to go through it. I'm a year down the line. It took me 2-3 months to make it back to work (education). I was left with 2 preschoolers. Like you said the huge impact on every aspect of life is unimaginable unless you've been through it. The practicalities of becoming a single parent, while juggling the trauma, betrayal, self-doubt, anger... It feels impossible sometimes but time always passes and it gets slightly better.
This year has been up and down. My husband (seperated) acknowledged a porn addiction on the day of arrest. I thought we had this amazing friendship, marriage and family and we were looking to future. He now tells a different story of how he perceives the last decade.
You sound like at least part of you is dealing very practically with things. Counseling is good. Speaking to SS is going to happen and knowing that is hard. I never could have imagined I would have to be assessed on my parenting/ safeguarding and it was a very bitter pill to swallow. He has no idea of the wider impact of what he has done.
I spoke to a close friend and a sister who helped me through the worst times. They came at unexpected moments - 4 months post knock for example when things had started to improve and then I suddenly felt like I couldn't go on. But I did, for the children mostly, and now the bad days are fewer and further apart.
I hope you have support in place and always write on here if you need to. It's tough and unfair and relentless but that doesn't mean it's impossible xxx
This year has been up and down. My husband (seperated) acknowledged a porn addiction on the day of arrest. I thought we had this amazing friendship, marriage and family and we were looking to future. He now tells a different story of how he perceives the last decade.
You sound like at least part of you is dealing very practically with things. Counseling is good. Speaking to SS is going to happen and knowing that is hard. I never could have imagined I would have to be assessed on my parenting/ safeguarding and it was a very bitter pill to swallow. He has no idea of the wider impact of what he has done.
I spoke to a close friend and a sister who helped me through the worst times. They came at unexpected moments - 4 months post knock for example when things had started to improve and then I suddenly felt like I couldn't go on. But I did, for the children mostly, and now the bad days are fewer and further apart.
I hope you have support in place and always write on here if you need to. It's tough and unfair and relentless but that doesn't mean it's impossible xxx
Thank you cloud for your quick response. It really does help in some weird way to know others are going through/have been through this themselves. I think what makes things harder is the long journey I know we are all in for. How do you attempt to recover and rebuild your life when this is going to continue to hang over your head with no end date in mind.
Its just so hard to know how you should be feeling and thinking and reacting for that matter. I'm battling with the emotions connected to the offence but then accepting that the person you usually turn to in times of crisis uncertainty or anxiety is the person this is all centred around. The love and emotions don't just go away and turn off and the amazing memories we created don't just dissappear. I cant just give up hope that the plans we had have just gone. It's so hard to see loved ones suffering as a result of this. But then your so torn because as previously mentioned the mammoth ripple effect this now has on everything moving forward.
I'm so sorry to hear you were struggling again later when you'd like to hope that as time passes it gets easier. But thankfully you had that support around you to help pick up the pieces again. Can I ask you mentioned you and your partner separated was this due to the impact of the situation and was this straight away?
Thank you I think this forum is going to prove to be a big support moving forward.
Its just so hard to know how you should be feeling and thinking and reacting for that matter. I'm battling with the emotions connected to the offence but then accepting that the person you usually turn to in times of crisis uncertainty or anxiety is the person this is all centred around. The love and emotions don't just go away and turn off and the amazing memories we created don't just dissappear. I cant just give up hope that the plans we had have just gone. It's so hard to see loved ones suffering as a result of this. But then your so torn because as previously mentioned the mammoth ripple effect this now has on everything moving forward.
I'm so sorry to hear you were struggling again later when you'd like to hope that as time passes it gets easier. But thankfully you had that support around you to help pick up the pieces again. Can I ask you mentioned you and your partner separated was this due to the impact of the situation and was this straight away?
Thank you I think this forum is going to prove to be a big support moving forward.
Thank you lola53
I'm still trying to navigate around my emotions then alone this site so the advice and guidance is much appreciated.
I'm still trying to navigate around my emotions then alone this site so the advice and guidance is much appreciated.
Hi Tina20,
You are right that coming to terms with the long time frames is a really big initial (and in going challenge). It seems unbelievable that it is not something that can be sorted straight away and the instinct for denial/ anger/ upset in response to something so big but completely out of your control is hard. Coming to terms with this happens a bit more over time. When you've stopped counting days and weeks and the time passes more steadily.
I have found big dates would bring up strong stress reactions again - bail dates which came to nothing, charges, sentencing (which has been repeatedly postponed). But the type of stress reactions and how long I experience them has definitely decreased over time.
You speak about battling feelings. However you are feeling is completely okay. There is no guidebook and it is completely reasonable to feel all sorts of emotions. It is a trauma and a shock that impacts everything. Try to be kind to yourself. I try and think how I would help a friend in a similar situation and then try to do that for myself. I wanted to take everything on and prove I could be superwoman but realistically the relentless nature of all this means that we're going to make mistakes, have grumpy days, have meltdown days etc. And that is normal and okay. I reflect on how I'd like to have reacted differently - and if Ive been cross with the kids etc I try to apologise and explain to them that it's hard to make good choices when feeling really tired/ stressed etc.
You asked about seperating with my husband. He came back from the arrest and said he has a porn addiction. I knew he'd need time to work through that and I'd need time to process everything. He had to move out anyway because of the kids. Over the next few months he got into his therapies etc and I had everything to deal with trying to carry on with life but life without him.
Our first meet up after a few weeks he focussed on how I was abandoning him and not supporting him because lots of the therapy things were things couples could do. I was not ready to hear his reasons why and after all he'd done not ready to be held at fault for abandoning him when I feel he threw his life and me and the kids away. I spent a long time angry with him - every time something with the kids would have been simpler with 2 parents it brought up how unfair it was for him to put himself first.
In the long run I've realised for certain that it is better for us not to be together. For the same reasons I knew in the first instance, but time has proven me right about that decision.
Every relationship is different. And the crimes on here are of different scales and intensities. And the reactions of the offenders, and the family members, are hugely variable. It is impossible to say what your situation will be in the future, only you know about yours. I'd say though that try and trust your judgement xx
You are right that coming to terms with the long time frames is a really big initial (and in going challenge). It seems unbelievable that it is not something that can be sorted straight away and the instinct for denial/ anger/ upset in response to something so big but completely out of your control is hard. Coming to terms with this happens a bit more over time. When you've stopped counting days and weeks and the time passes more steadily.
I have found big dates would bring up strong stress reactions again - bail dates which came to nothing, charges, sentencing (which has been repeatedly postponed). But the type of stress reactions and how long I experience them has definitely decreased over time.
You speak about battling feelings. However you are feeling is completely okay. There is no guidebook and it is completely reasonable to feel all sorts of emotions. It is a trauma and a shock that impacts everything. Try to be kind to yourself. I try and think how I would help a friend in a similar situation and then try to do that for myself. I wanted to take everything on and prove I could be superwoman but realistically the relentless nature of all this means that we're going to make mistakes, have grumpy days, have meltdown days etc. And that is normal and okay. I reflect on how I'd like to have reacted differently - and if Ive been cross with the kids etc I try to apologise and explain to them that it's hard to make good choices when feeling really tired/ stressed etc.
You asked about seperating with my husband. He came back from the arrest and said he has a porn addiction. I knew he'd need time to work through that and I'd need time to process everything. He had to move out anyway because of the kids. Over the next few months he got into his therapies etc and I had everything to deal with trying to carry on with life but life without him.
Our first meet up after a few weeks he focussed on how I was abandoning him and not supporting him because lots of the therapy things were things couples could do. I was not ready to hear his reasons why and after all he'd done not ready to be held at fault for abandoning him when I feel he threw his life and me and the kids away. I spent a long time angry with him - every time something with the kids would have been simpler with 2 parents it brought up how unfair it was for him to put himself first.
In the long run I've realised for certain that it is better for us not to be together. For the same reasons I knew in the first instance, but time has proven me right about that decision.
Every relationship is different. And the crimes on here are of different scales and intensities. And the reactions of the offenders, and the family members, are hugely variable. It is impossible to say what your situation will be in the future, only you know about yours. I'd say though that try and trust your judgement xx
Thank you for your reply cloud. I did write out a huge response to you however for some reason as I clicked post it returned me to the sign in page so il try again.
I'm sorry to hear that your husband directed further stress and anxiety on to you. I understand this a natural response to protecting and coping yourself...but there is nothing natural about the situation we all find ourselves in and that must have added to further stress. However it does appear your content and comfortable with your decision now so evidently it was the right one. Did you continue to support your husband despite your relationship parting ways?
I'm struggling to manage the thought that for the foreseeable, I am going to always be on the radar to services now. My decisions, choices, thoughts feelings and emotions are going to scrutinised now- should they not fall into the typical text book answers. Whilst I appreciate we are "not the victims" in this, actually I disagree there are so many injured parties to this awful situation, we have been put in. Maybe this makes me sound extremely selfish and ignorant to the situation. But through no fault of my own my whole life has been shattered right in front of me, and iv got no choice to gather it all back up instantly and "just carry on" because I have to try and reduce the impact further to our child.
Which leads on to the most difficult part- as a result of my partners choices regardless of the reasons behind that. It is me that has lost the support to raise our child. We have always taken pride in how well we work as a team, In the blink of an eye that's gone. As is our plans or hopes our dreams for our future. Not to mention the added financial strain and impact this is no doubt going to have.
In addition to my life as I know it and my future all crashing down around me. I am now being monitored observed and judged by those around me. I'm waiting and can already predict the "I know what I would do...she should be.." when in actual fact NOBODY knows how they are going to think feel or react to this situation until they are in it. Even then I feel you go through every thought emotion question again and again, talking yourself in and out of your own thoughts and reasoning. Only to ultimately be going through this life changing awful situation on your own. Trying to do the right think and protect and repair everyone's feelings but what it feels like at times your own.
It's only been a week or so so things are still very raw, but the worst part is knowing this limbo stage is likely to continue for months potentially even years. Everyone has a breaking point, and I just wish those on the outside looking in would see the impact this has had upon us in EVERY which way. The truth is I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how I'm feeling and I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow never mind next week. I'm just trying to do the best for my family, but someone is always going to disagree or disapprove. Right now I don't know what the future holds, but surely I should be allowed to figure that out for myself to ensure I'm making the right choices for me and my family.
I'm sorry to hear that your husband directed further stress and anxiety on to you. I understand this a natural response to protecting and coping yourself...but there is nothing natural about the situation we all find ourselves in and that must have added to further stress. However it does appear your content and comfortable with your decision now so evidently it was the right one. Did you continue to support your husband despite your relationship parting ways?
I'm struggling to manage the thought that for the foreseeable, I am going to always be on the radar to services now. My decisions, choices, thoughts feelings and emotions are going to scrutinised now- should they not fall into the typical text book answers. Whilst I appreciate we are "not the victims" in this, actually I disagree there are so many injured parties to this awful situation, we have been put in. Maybe this makes me sound extremely selfish and ignorant to the situation. But through no fault of my own my whole life has been shattered right in front of me, and iv got no choice to gather it all back up instantly and "just carry on" because I have to try and reduce the impact further to our child.
Which leads on to the most difficult part- as a result of my partners choices regardless of the reasons behind that. It is me that has lost the support to raise our child. We have always taken pride in how well we work as a team, In the blink of an eye that's gone. As is our plans or hopes our dreams for our future. Not to mention the added financial strain and impact this is no doubt going to have.
In addition to my life as I know it and my future all crashing down around me. I am now being monitored observed and judged by those around me. I'm waiting and can already predict the "I know what I would do...she should be.." when in actual fact NOBODY knows how they are going to think feel or react to this situation until they are in it. Even then I feel you go through every thought emotion question again and again, talking yourself in and out of your own thoughts and reasoning. Only to ultimately be going through this life changing awful situation on your own. Trying to do the right think and protect and repair everyone's feelings but what it feels like at times your own.
It's only been a week or so so things are still very raw, but the worst part is knowing this limbo stage is likely to continue for months potentially even years. Everyone has a breaking point, and I just wish those on the outside looking in would see the impact this has had upon us in EVERY which way. The truth is I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how I'm feeling and I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow never mind next week. I'm just trying to do the best for my family, but someone is always going to disagree or disapprove. Right now I don't know what the future holds, but surely I should be allowed to figure that out for myself to ensure I'm making the right choices for me and my family.
Hi Tina
Welcome to our community, even though.none of us want to be here.
Every person here can empathise with you. None of us saw the steamroller that was approaching to wreck our worlds, all of us felt completely crushed. But there are many amazing people on this forum with a wealth of experience and knowledge. All of it learned the hard way. Got a question? A hundred questions? Someone will know the answers. Want a rant? Rant away!
You are not alone.
Welcome to our community, even though.none of us want to be here.
Every person here can empathise with you. None of us saw the steamroller that was approaching to wreck our worlds, all of us felt completely crushed. But there are many amazing people on this forum with a wealth of experience and knowledge. All of it learned the hard way. Got a question? A hundred questions? Someone will know the answers. Want a rant? Rant away!
You are not alone.
Hi Judith
Thank you so much for your reply. This forum is becoming my new safety net and circle of friends. It is positive to have support around from others who are in or whom have been in similar situations...free from judgement. As this is something I'm struggling with most at the moment I feel I'm am already being forced to feel or act a certain way to please everyone else. I appreciate those around us will have their opinions on the situation, as I don't doubt we would be the same if this was happening around us and not to us. But I just wish people would take a step back and understand this is not a black and white situation, and there is no quick fix to solve the mess we are now in. The extra pressure I feel about what the future may or will look like is not helpful nor supportive "you'd never be able to trust him again..." "you'd loose people around you" " I could never look st him the same again"...i feel so long as I'm taking theae opinions into account when I'm making my decision about my future everyone else will be happy and comfortable...never mind how I feel what I want or need. The extra layer is our young child it's not a simple breakup over a petty row this is my child's ONLY father.
Thank you so much for your reply. This forum is becoming my new safety net and circle of friends. It is positive to have support around from others who are in or whom have been in similar situations...free from judgement. As this is something I'm struggling with most at the moment I feel I'm am already being forced to feel or act a certain way to please everyone else. I appreciate those around us will have their opinions on the situation, as I don't doubt we would be the same if this was happening around us and not to us. But I just wish people would take a step back and understand this is not a black and white situation, and there is no quick fix to solve the mess we are now in. The extra pressure I feel about what the future may or will look like is not helpful nor supportive "you'd never be able to trust him again..." "you'd loose people around you" " I could never look st him the same again"...i feel so long as I'm taking theae opinions into account when I'm making my decision about my future everyone else will be happy and comfortable...never mind how I feel what I want or need. The extra layer is our young child it's not a simple breakup over a petty row this is my child's ONLY father.
Hi Tina,
What you said is so true. I always though I would knew exactly what to do in a situation like this as I'm a survivor from childhood sexual abuse, yet, here I am. The betrayal feels enormous.
You seem well versed on how long the process will take, and that's a big advantage. I wasn't ready to come here when the knock happened and believed the police when they said that 1 month 3 tops would be all it would take. Seriously, what a crock...
The one thing I would recommend is just take one day at a time. Love bomb your baby girl, enjoy every single moment as much as you can and take all the help: meditation, antidepressants, exercise, you name it. Whatever makes you feel good and won't harm you in the long run, take it.
Massive hugs x
What you said is so true. I always though I would knew exactly what to do in a situation like this as I'm a survivor from childhood sexual abuse, yet, here I am. The betrayal feels enormous.
You seem well versed on how long the process will take, and that's a big advantage. I wasn't ready to come here when the knock happened and believed the police when they said that 1 month 3 tops would be all it would take. Seriously, what a crock...
The one thing I would recommend is just take one day at a time. Love bomb your baby girl, enjoy every single moment as much as you can and take all the help: meditation, antidepressants, exercise, you name it. Whatever makes you feel good and won't harm you in the long run, take it.
Massive hugs x
Thank you for your response Green.
I couldn't agree more whilst having little ones in a situation like this ultimately add extra hurdles, and makes things so much more complicated. It does also provide us with some kind of super strength and focus, to get through difficult times. They will never realise how much of a support they were to us (thankfully).
We are a few months in now, services involved and in full swing of the processes that follow. Difficult days are still there, but are much easier to bounce back from now. OH has accessed support and is beginning to get an understanding of the dark place he has been living for a long time. But most importantly he is beginning to see that dark place is not just the norm for most of us. It's exhausting feeling like we are left to keep everything afloat and ticking over throughout this very long and uncomfortable process. However I am focused on the end goal and much brighter future we will all have as a family...eventually. Our new normal when it arrives will be perfect for us and our little one will Continue to grow and develop in a loving and happy family eenvironmental before. However not details but she will be aware of emotional struggles and barriers to overcome growing up somtimes holds. But she will understand the sacrifices we made to protect her, the resilience needed to overcome hard times but that there is always a light at the end. I still belive daddy will be her hero growing up, but she will realise and appreciate that even hero's make mistakes. Xx
I couldn't agree more whilst having little ones in a situation like this ultimately add extra hurdles, and makes things so much more complicated. It does also provide us with some kind of super strength and focus, to get through difficult times. They will never realise how much of a support they were to us (thankfully).
We are a few months in now, services involved and in full swing of the processes that follow. Difficult days are still there, but are much easier to bounce back from now. OH has accessed support and is beginning to get an understanding of the dark place he has been living for a long time. But most importantly he is beginning to see that dark place is not just the norm for most of us. It's exhausting feeling like we are left to keep everything afloat and ticking over throughout this very long and uncomfortable process. However I am focused on the end goal and much brighter future we will all have as a family...eventually. Our new normal when it arrives will be perfect for us and our little one will Continue to grow and develop in a loving and happy family eenvironmental before. However not details but she will be aware of emotional struggles and barriers to overcome growing up somtimes holds. But she will understand the sacrifices we made to protect her, the resilience needed to overcome hard times but that there is always a light at the end. I still belive daddy will be her hero growing up, but she will realise and appreciate that even hero's make mistakes. Xx