It does get better....
Notifications OFF
Hi, I've just posted in answer to another thread. So forgive repetition of some of the content here.
For me it's ten months since the Knock which came ...six weeks before I was due to marry my partner of 15 years.
My world imploded and for weeks I lived in a bubble of shock. anxiety and disbelief. How could this man who I loved so much, the loving partner and father of two grown-up children (not mine) , be the same man who had been downloading indecent images of young children for the past two years?
After ten months his computers have finally gone in for forsensic examination, so I will know more soon. And I am expecting him to be charged within a couple of months. There is a possibility he will go to prison.
I have made a decision not to go to the court case. I don't want to put myself through any more emotional trauma.
But I just wanted to let you know how I've been coping, and how things are getting better.
At the beginning I couldn't even bear to look at him, let alone speak to him or see him. I just wanted to write him out of my life forever...But over time that has changed. Gradually.
Let's not underestimate how massive this is. No one understands except us.
So how have I managed my way through the initial few months without giving up?
First of all I called the amazing helpline on here.
Then I went to my doctor to get some medication to help. And was put on a list for NHS counselling (that was a waste of time. I've still heard nothing ten months on! ) I invested in a good therapist who has helped me process this trauma and to heal.I confided in a few trusted friends who have been an amazing support, and my grown up children.I have tried to be kind to myself. To arrange treats. And if I need to go under the duvet and eat chocolate then I do that. Although I took time out from life at the start, I have gradually thrown myself back into my actitivites. Singing in a choir being one of them. I have made a few new friends who know nothing about my situation. And I've been trying to stay healthy. Lots of walking, and eating healthily. Although I have to admit that my wine intake has increased!! Am trying to deal with that by reading lots of quit lit (quit drinking literature). I wanted to know more about this emotional tsunami which was drowning me so I read everything I could about it.I found it helpful to read the book Sex Addiction: The Partners Perspective by Paula Hall.In the introduction she explains what Sex Addiction is and why it hurts partners so much. She explains that it is not about sex, wanting too much much or not being happy with what they have, but that its a 'compulsive behaviour that meets deeper psychological needs, and a condition that changes the structure of the brain. '
Although I split from my partner of 15 years, I have now decided to keep in touch with him because I still care about him. We meet for coffee now and then just to talk. Why? Because I miss him, and because I want to check he is doing okay since his whole family has turned against him. And he's basically lost everything.
I just want to quote from Paula Hall's book again:' Sex addition is the most intimate wound that any partner can be forced to face and the most brutal attack a relationship can be expected to endure. But partners do survive, and so do many relationships.'
Mine didn't. Like others on this forum I took the step to move on with life alone. And day by day...I'm doing okay. Lots of love to you all,
Paula
For me it's ten months since the Knock which came ...six weeks before I was due to marry my partner of 15 years.
My world imploded and for weeks I lived in a bubble of shock. anxiety and disbelief. How could this man who I loved so much, the loving partner and father of two grown-up children (not mine) , be the same man who had been downloading indecent images of young children for the past two years?
After ten months his computers have finally gone in for forsensic examination, so I will know more soon. And I am expecting him to be charged within a couple of months. There is a possibility he will go to prison.
I have made a decision not to go to the court case. I don't want to put myself through any more emotional trauma.
But I just wanted to let you know how I've been coping, and how things are getting better.
At the beginning I couldn't even bear to look at him, let alone speak to him or see him. I just wanted to write him out of my life forever...But over time that has changed. Gradually.
Let's not underestimate how massive this is. No one understands except us.
So how have I managed my way through the initial few months without giving up?
First of all I called the amazing helpline on here.
Then I went to my doctor to get some medication to help. And was put on a list for NHS counselling (that was a waste of time. I've still heard nothing ten months on! ) I invested in a good therapist who has helped me process this trauma and to heal.I confided in a few trusted friends who have been an amazing support, and my grown up children.I have tried to be kind to myself. To arrange treats. And if I need to go under the duvet and eat chocolate then I do that. Although I took time out from life at the start, I have gradually thrown myself back into my actitivites. Singing in a choir being one of them. I have made a few new friends who know nothing about my situation. And I've been trying to stay healthy. Lots of walking, and eating healthily. Although I have to admit that my wine intake has increased!! Am trying to deal with that by reading lots of quit lit (quit drinking literature). I wanted to know more about this emotional tsunami which was drowning me so I read everything I could about it.I found it helpful to read the book Sex Addiction: The Partners Perspective by Paula Hall.In the introduction she explains what Sex Addiction is and why it hurts partners so much. She explains that it is not about sex, wanting too much much or not being happy with what they have, but that its a 'compulsive behaviour that meets deeper psychological needs, and a condition that changes the structure of the brain. '
Although I split from my partner of 15 years, I have now decided to keep in touch with him because I still care about him. We meet for coffee now and then just to talk. Why? Because I miss him, and because I want to check he is doing okay since his whole family has turned against him. And he's basically lost everything.
I just want to quote from Paula Hall's book again:' Sex addition is the most intimate wound that any partner can be forced to face and the most brutal attack a relationship can be expected to endure. But partners do survive, and so do many relationships.'
Mine didn't. Like others on this forum I took the step to move on with life alone. And day by day...I'm doing okay. Lots of love to you all,
Paula
I'm really glad to hear things are going ok Paula. It's true that sex addiction effects you like nothing else, I find largely because its not talked about. People brush it off as a load of rubbish but it is far frim that and I hope people will start to talk about it more soon. Paula hall's book is really good and very interesting to read, I found parts quite hard to read but I think its because they hit a nerve, I've given the book to my partner to read now so he can better understand the impact it has had on me. I think our lives were turned upsidedown around the same time, I hope your ex partner has news soon about his charges, the waiting is so difficult. My partner has been through court, I think its quicker as it not images and there was nothing else to find. I didn't go to court, I was going to but decided I knew what I needed to and sitting in court would just be tourchering myself. I was lucky to have the police to talk to and their reassurance that it was all ok. My partner is back home and life is being rebuilt gradually. Councelling was great and in our area online nhs help was available so that was great. In time i know there will be more support for partners, there is gradually more awareness and support for this type of offending and while it wont be there for us it will be great to see things develops to help others. Im glad you are able to offer some support to your ex partner and you no longer worry about doing that. Things do get easier and while life will never be the same it can still be great and there's still many things to be grateful for and look forward to.