Family and Friends Forum

So sorry you have had to join what I call 'The Mutual Devastation Society'. We are all init with you from varied perspectives.

Please ring the helpline & talk through your fears & worries. You can only move one day at a time & with the facts you know. We are all hear to support you.

Hi Nina,



It is a long road. Please keep in touch with this group, it has been such a great support. You are not alone. You need to look after yourself, get as much help as you can.

Thinking of you.

Hi Nina, I am in exactly the same position as you . Its been three weeks since the Knock and I am really struggling . I never thought it was possible to cry as much as I have.

My OH has moved out of our home because of my son from previous marriage and an adult has gone berserk !

But I am still meeting him behind everyones back. I'm constantly lying to family and friends.Like you I own my own company and nobody knows anything there.

I got intouch with Stopso and they have put me intouch with a counsellor trained in this field. Give them a call and see if they can support you. I start my counselling next week so fingers crossed it will help. I feel for you believe me your not alone . DM me if you need a chat

xxx

Hi Nina, I'm so,sorry you have found yourself joining us here. I'd love to tell you that things get better after a certain timescale but sadly that timeframe seems to be different for everyone.

In the early days of my journey I made contact with my GP and was started on medication. This did help slightly with my sleep which in turn helped me to function a bit better during the day. My suggestion is to do anything that makes you feel just that little bit better, take all the help you can get and in time you'll find the days do get easier.

Hi Nina,

i'm still in the early days of our nightmare as well, struggling to get by and being there for the kids. I'm getting used to the new normal now, of lying to people on why my OH isn't at football matches, we're not out together at the weekends, and pretending everything is fine at work, when all I want is a magic wand and for it all to go away. We can get through this and we all will do xx

Hi Nina

I'm so sorry you're going hhrough this and that you've found yourself part of this group. I was the same - I went between ugly crying in the shower to just crying whenever I was alone. Having to lie really got to me. More than a year on I don't feel so bad about the lying. We have to do it to protect ourselves and our kids. I'm self employed too and I live in fear of the impact of this on my business and my ability to provide for my child.

Its such a terrible shock to learn what someone you love and trusted was doing behind your back and that they could put you in this terrible position. Be kind to yourself. I found on weekends I would literally just sit on the sofa all day. It was a struggle to work, and function generally but I think I would have been worse off if I took time off. I did try antidepressants to curb the distress but I had to come off them as the side effects were too much for me. I went for long walks, called the LF helpline and I did the LF course. I also started fortnightly counselling sessions with a counsellor from Stopso. The antidepressants helped greatly with the insomnia and broke the back of that problem. The more distressed I was, the longer I walked. I made sure I ate small but nutritious meals whether I felt like it or not.

Now I've told one friend we're separating but not the real reason for it. Only some of my family know. I've been very careful with who knows.

All you can do is focus on the step in front of you. This is a marathon not a sprint.

Take care,

Hx

Hi ladies, I'm nearly 6 months in and I'm exhausted from all the crying and emotion. I'm still low level sad about the whole thing but I've sort of just accepted my fate. I'm just sort of numb to it all now because the anxiety and devastation was just making me ill. I've told my person I may never know what my feelings are, I miss the way it was but I want to throttle them for what they've done, but I refuse to be the one to bring anger and resentment into my family. I won't be the one to badmouth my child's dad to them. So I'm trying to distance myself but co-parent, and just be a supportive friend to my person because I don't have the mental resilience to do anything else me, I just need to get through this and try come out the other side with my child as undamaged as possible. It has to be me and my child first and I've channelled my sadness into protectiveness and preparing what I may need to do and say going forward. I've started to tell a few people we've split up so that has made it feel less like I'm a walking liar, and the pressure to keep up the facade is less. But it's still hard because as we all know....everything about this situation isn't normal. Supervised visits, social services, police, therapy, courses, safeguarding, mental health issues, insomnia, paranoia, isolation. It doesn't get easier but you do start to learn to manage it better.

I have been wondering how long the whole thing takes from the knock to sentencing

Unfortunately it varies massively. I'm sure I've seen a post where for someone it was about 4months and another poor lady was 4 years!!!!

Sorry to depress everyone, but its now been 14 months since the police showed up in 'my' case and there's still absolutely no movement. Its IIOC so waiting on forensics

You do just get used to living like this. I cried a lot in the first year. The knock was July 2020.
charges September 2024 sentencing is soon.