Family and Friends Forum

Hi Everyone,



This is basically a rant about the difficulties faced as a partner of a husband with a porn addiction, so please feel free to join in if you wish. Unfortunately I didn’t know about my husbands porn addiction until it was to late and the police were at our door, by this point his addiction had already escalated to far and has brought us to this terrible situation we now find ourselves in.



What this journey has taught me so far however, is that there is a clear lack of understanding/ education/ empathy around porn addiction and the detrimental impact this has not only on the individual with porn addiction, but the partner also. Within days of the police arriving at our door, my husband had gone to see a specialist psychosexual therapist who confirmed his porn addiction and also informed us that unfortunately many people don’t seek help for porn addiction until the behaviours have escalated to far (trouble with police/ breakdown in relationships etc). From the very beginning my husband has been remorseful, expressed disgust of himself but is pleased he can finally get the help he so desperately needed to finally change this unhealthy habit of managing his emotions. How did he get there you may ask? Basically, my husband had a traumatic childhood and this led to him learning unhealthy habits in terms of managing his emotions of depression, anxiety, stress and low self esteem. He started watching porn at a young age, and as research has proven, for those who become addicted his brain started to become desensitised to the stuff he was watching, resulting in searching for more extreme material over the years which is how he ended up crossing the boundary of images involving children and chat sites.



Now I want to make this very clear, indecent images of children and sexual abuse is NOT okay, it is not acceptable, and I can not believe we still have a world with access to this sort of material. That is why I agree that my husband needs to accept his punishment from the justice system (not society), which he is and doing so willingly. He has attended the course suggested by Lucy Faithful, granted not tailored to his needs specifically but he attended and has been in regular counselling since it all began. He is starting to understand how he even walked down this path and what he needs to do to change.



My frustrations lie with societal views around an understandably controversial topic which nobody wants to talk about. People are quick to say indecent images of children is wrong- which it is, but are not willing to look at the entire bigger picture as a whole. The sex industry- this billion pound corrupt industry which will do what ever it takes to make sure sex continues to sell. The porn industry, a sub section, which is constantly seeking ways to develop new ideas to ensure they continue the shock factor to make sure they continue enticing people in.



Now I understand why people who don’t know me or my husband may judge and question my sanity and decision making process. After all it is a crazy and difficult situation to navigate and get your head around, especially when you don’t know all the facts so I can appreciate that and deal with it in a way. What I find hurtful are the responses from people who do know me and my husband, especially the ones who know us well. They may argue they don’t know us well, as never in their wildest dreams would they expect my husband to be guilty of viewing indecent images, well guess what…either did I. Now I totally respect their state of shock, their difficulties processing this information, the unwillingness to see my husband at the start, possibly forever. What I cant accept is the way me, as the innocent partner who has done nothing wrong has been treated.



Here are a few examples of things said to me which has really hurt or being exhaustive in trying to address…











1) 1) Porn addiction, I don’t believe it.







Yes porn addiction is a real thing, there is rapid growing evidence/research documenting the detrimental impact this has on an individual who becomes addicted, along with the impact on the family. Paula Hall to name a few in the UK discusses this, and fight the new drug is another website dedicated to porn addiction who have created a 3 part series Brain, Heart World.







2) 2) I can accept him having a porn addiction watching adults, but he has crossed the boundary with children and I can not accept that. He must of known it was morally wrong but still chose to watch/ look at it.







He started of with normal legal adult porn, but over the years Yes he did know it was morally wrong when he came across child related stuff, which is why he felt disgusted with himself and ashamed which is why he never asked for help, this resulted in going back to look at it (all porn) and the vicious cycle continued and continued to drag him down dark holes. His behaviour escalated, crossing the boundaries of his own morals and having detrimental negative impacts on his life… hence why its called ADDICTION. Now it interests me that people are acceptant of adult porn, when that is just another form of adult abuse as a lot of women involved are either on drugs to numb the pain or being black mailed to participate as they have bills to pay. At the end of the day there are both adult and children being sex trafficked to be used in the porn industry and this is NOT okay. Also why are we as a society not challenging porn hub who feel it is okay to push the boundaries of promoting teen porn when it isn’t even legal. They get around it stating their workers are 18, but still actively seek for those who look younger? And again why are porn hub encouraging search terms such as ‘jailbait’, ‘teen porn’, ‘step mum’ and all the rest of the weird and wrong search terms available. Why as a society are we trying to sexualise our children? We are all culprits of being desensitised to images, our use of social media platforms being a prime example and the need for magazines, TV to airbrush all their images to encourage us to look a certain way and think that this is the ‘norm’. Instagram and the ‘perfect life’. Fashion designers and the clothes being designed for young girls… do we really need to see so much skin… and what is the purpose of those half tops where the bottom of your boob hangs out…







3) 3) Your husband is sick







Yes, yes he is sick, a combination of mental health issues ranging from depression, anxiety, low self esteem and insomnia. Creating a toxic mix which led to developing a porn addiction. Lots of research around various mental health problems and how this negatively impacts wellbeing. Lots of research on sleep deprivation and how it impacts our ability to think and behave logically.











4) 4) If I was to do a survey with 1000 people they would all say what your husband has done is unacceptable.







I should bloody think so to, as it isn’t acceptable. And anyone who says it is acceptable really needs to be questioned. Indecent images and sex abuse is NOT okay.







5) 5)You obviously condone what your husband has done as your supporting him.







Err no, I am absolutely not condoning what he’s done, the fact you think that shows you don’t know me at all. Instead I am supporting him to get the help he desperately needed and to not let his mistake define him. I definitely wouldn’t be standing by him if he didn’t feel his behaviour was wrong, or working hard to address his wrong doing and change. In fact partners who stand by their husbands/wives are contributing to the protection of children by offering the support to the loved one who has offended to try and ensure they don’t reoffend again and continue being a consumer of this disgusting industry which causes a demand. Losing your job, family, friends, access to your kids, home, reputation, prospect of time in prison, being put on the sex offenders register… gosh if you weren’t depressed before hand then you certainly would be now. Do society not think if anyone was in that situation, they wouldn’t go back to committing a crime or worse suicide. Obviously not. It appears the view is if you’ve done this, your life should now be over and punished forever. You don’t deserve the opportunity to correct your mistake. As for those partners… gosh they must be insane and society should bully them to make them come to the same decisions and conclusions as them.







6) 6) Im sorry but if you continue to support your husband, I can no longer be your friend as it will impact my job with the risk of losing it.







Right this one really grinds on me, and shows me how narrowed minded people can be. Just please show me some respect and don’t feed me crap. This is basically your ‘easy get out card’, with basically you justifying it in your mind as a rationale excuse to use rather than just admitting the fact your not comfortable. Knowing a sex offender only impacts your job if you live with the sex offender and work with children. Even then a risk assessment is completed to assess the risk you (the non offender) pose to children, and then a waiver is completed (this can take some time I believe). You can not discriminate somebody in their job for an action they haven’t committed. But yes I will accept those who work with children may not feel comfortable socialising with a sex offender, its do able, but I understand. What I will not accept is the excuse used on the partner. There is no reason why you can not continue a relationship with the non offending partner what so ever. Places of work are not interested in you disclosing information about the behaviours of your friends partners actions/convictions. It is a very poor excuse and just disrespectful to your friendship. Alternatively this could be an antic to try and bully you to change your mind. Either way not acceptable and a very disappointing excuse. I am open to other views/ experiences on this point. Has anyone had friends who are teachers, social workers who work with children ect who have still remained in your life?







As a partner it is hard enough finding out your loved one has committed this crime, along with the fact that your also dealing with their mental health, let alone your own. Do people not think your hurting enough, with out throwing into the mix more emotions from people you care about. Partners are not only victims of their husbands/wives behaviours, but then also victimised by societal views, friends and family views. In fact there are lots of victims in this entire process. The children/adult in images/videos are victims, the vulnerable offender is a victim (think why did they do It in the first place) and then the partners/families of both child/adult/offender.







Lucy Faithful if your reading this, listen to the partners/families when we say we are struggling. Help us get society talking as things need to change. There are to many people in this situation. To many people being prosecuted for this offence (usually their first, and people who have been good citizens, good education, good job). Not all of these people can be the bad people society believe them to be. Help partners to keep their support network by educating society that it is okay to support partners like us… it is not an offense. By not doing this then more innocent people are being impacted. The mental health of partners and the mental health of the children of the offender… how far does it have to go before people are willing to talk and start trying to make a change. If we don’t start talking, then I really fear for future generations of our children, friends and family. The Porn industry is currently here to stay unless we try and make a positive change.







Why are we not working together with the child protection services, justice system, mental health services, offenders, families of offenders to stop all this for everyone involved.







We need to educate people to stop innocent people being targeted and victimised!







Sorry for this essay everyone, feel free to contribute. Its just such a frustrating situation which I know you all understand.

Thank you everyone. I'm not going to lie I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to post that message. In the end I ended up typing it onto word and copied and pasted it hehe.



Im hoping this post will generate enough comments so that Lucy faithful do view it, and hopefully it gets them thinking more. Even simple things such as organising a conference once a year for partners and families, Atleast it would offer people that much needed face to face support to really know your not alone. I would love to see the statistics of how many people like us are actually out there!

Does anyone still have friends who are teachers or work with children? Did you get similar responses to me? Again lucy faithful if your reading this can you confirm if people who work with children are still maintain a relationship with the partner of the offender. Infact can they themselves still be friends with someone if they end up committing this crime?



I just want to know why society thinks it acceptable to lose our entire support network all because we are supporting someone we love to get the much needed help they require.



Don't even get me started on the media, who really don't care about people's mental health else they would be more sensitive and factual in their reporting.



like I said hopefully this post can spark something with Lucy faithful!

Hi Lee,

that's really positive that people are meeting up, but I feel organisations can help with this to make sure it's safe for everyone involved. Don't get me wrong I'm sure those who meet up are trust worthy people but it still comes which a risk which could be avoided if specialist organisations got involved. But it really is great that people are taking action.



for me I want facts, I understand why society react the way they do cause let's face it there is not enough education so how can we expect people to respond differently if they don't have all the information. I can't help but feel some people's responses are based on opinion and not fact, I would love to sit down with the people who say these things to me and say right here's all the facts, if you still feel the way you do then fine.



As I said I do understand the reaction to the offender, and I appreciate people may never change their views even with the facts but the opportunity should Atleast be given. I just really don't understand how the partner gets treated the same way when they have literally done nothing. That's what I'm trying to highlight there is not enough information to support partners to use to help them try and keep their support network .

its lovely to see how supportive this group is.

Thanks Mabel and summer for your responses.

summer I agree, I think its ludicrous you can be deemed as the same risk when you have done nothing wrong. As humans we are just so quick to judge and go into that fight or flight mode. It's much easier for people to wipe their hands of a situation than deal with it face on. As much as I've beaten myself up about trying to please everyone, I'm proud of my personality and values in life, which is to always look at the whole picture. Maybe I need to get a tattoo on my face which states 'I do not condone' lol. It's just crazy the assumptions people make even when you express clearly you are not in agreement with what's happened. Thankyou by the way about telling me you still have people in your life who work with children.

The whole thing is just exhausting and I wish it people would take a step back and think of me for once and how they might be making me feel. Instead it's the other way round and I'm thinking of them. Trying to offer them support, choosing my words wisely and not biting back in retaliation (sometimes I fail at this).




if only they knew what it was like to be in our shoes x

Hi Janno and thanks!

Like you, porn addiction has been a steep learning curve for me and a massive eye opener. I totally understand and respect that some people may not want to understand it or learn about it, but I just wish that understanding could be received back. I've had a lot of anger directed at me from people I'm close to and care deeply about, all because I won't come to the same decisions and conclusions as them. Isn't that meant to be the beauty about humans... we are all individual and are meant to bring something unique to the world with our own ability to thought process... would be a bit boring and miserable if we all had the same way of thinking!

Hope your coping in your situation. I'm just trying hard to turn this into a positive as challenging as it is.... however it's do able. On reflection I've already realised I've become aware of an addiction which effects many, the stigma of the sex offenders register (again which has a massive variable scale) and a gap in support for innocent partners and families. Also as awful as this situation is, it finally enabled my husband to get the much needed help he required and address personal issues that go way back to his childhood. Atleast now he can move forward and not have his emotional baggage drag him down as he is learning to manage it in a much healthier way, put his well-being first and the best of it, is actually learning to communicate and talk about his feelings which I know is so hard for many men. So yeh, always look for the positive even if it is hidden!