Worst Day of My Life
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I start work a lot earlier than my husband, and realised he'd been quiet all day. I couldn't contact him on his personal or desk phone. I came home to see him on the sofa. He'd been arrested while I was at work, and sent home on bail.
When he told me, I assumed there had been a mistake. Not my husband. Not the person I'd spent 10+ years with. He told me they'd taken his devices, and I immediately thought it was okay because they wouldn't find anything on them, they have the wrong person and it's all a big mistake.
Except it isn't, is it? He told me that he'd gone to one of those porn sites with a mass download button and clicked it. All sorts of random stuff, most of which he pays no attention to but turns out there was some iioc. Part of me wants to believe this is all a big accident but what does it matter?
It's been less than 12 hours since I found out and I feel like I've been every emotion known to man. I'm between hating him and wanting to support him. But he's really screwed us over.
Due to the nature of his job, he's going to be terminated without a doubt. However my job also requires some intense security vetting, any promotion will require a very deep investigation into me and those around me. So I think that's out of the picture too.
I've spent the evening looking at support groups and flats. I love him, he's been my rock for so very long, but I hate his guts right now. I've shut myself in the office on a camp bed because I can't be around him or anything we share.
Part of me wants to save myself and go, but another wants him to have someone through this long and lonely journey.
What do I do?
When he told me, I assumed there had been a mistake. Not my husband. Not the person I'd spent 10+ years with. He told me they'd taken his devices, and I immediately thought it was okay because they wouldn't find anything on them, they have the wrong person and it's all a big mistake.
Except it isn't, is it? He told me that he'd gone to one of those porn sites with a mass download button and clicked it. All sorts of random stuff, most of which he pays no attention to but turns out there was some iioc. Part of me wants to believe this is all a big accident but what does it matter?
It's been less than 12 hours since I found out and I feel like I've been every emotion known to man. I'm between hating him and wanting to support him. But he's really screwed us over.
Due to the nature of his job, he's going to be terminated without a doubt. However my job also requires some intense security vetting, any promotion will require a very deep investigation into me and those around me. So I think that's out of the picture too.
I've spent the evening looking at support groups and flats. I love him, he's been my rock for so very long, but I hate his guts right now. I've shut myself in the office on a camp bed because I can't be around him or anything we share.
Part of me wants to save myself and go, but another wants him to have someone through this long and lonely journey.
What do I do?
Hi Confused, I'm so sorry you are here, I really am. Your post really resonates with me as I remember too that split second when everything changed- that belief that of course it's a mistake, what, not you, the man I love and everyone loves and respects, of course the police are wrong...to then going cold as he tells you it's true.
You have come to the right place - you will get lots of love and support here, I promise. But for now I imagine you are still in shock. The shock will lessen in time and somehow you will find strength you never thought possible. Everyone will tell you it's a long journey, but in a way that is good because it means you don't have to do anything just yet. In time you will find your answer as to whether you will go through this as a couple or not, but you don't need to decide that just yet. He too will be in no fit state to think rationally so I'd say for now make sure you both eat, get fresh air, and just take things one day at a time. I believe 50% of couples do survive this...I found that very encouraging when I read that. So it is possible to get through but it's something you have to work out for yourself. The helpline can be a great support, for advice or just a listening ear if you need to cry with someone. If you can I'd suggest your partner calls them too.
So sorry. Sending you a big hug and strength. X
You have come to the right place - you will get lots of love and support here, I promise. But for now I imagine you are still in shock. The shock will lessen in time and somehow you will find strength you never thought possible. Everyone will tell you it's a long journey, but in a way that is good because it means you don't have to do anything just yet. In time you will find your answer as to whether you will go through this as a couple or not, but you don't need to decide that just yet. He too will be in no fit state to think rationally so I'd say for now make sure you both eat, get fresh air, and just take things one day at a time. I believe 50% of couples do survive this...I found that very encouraging when I read that. So it is possible to get through but it's something you have to work out for yourself. The helpline can be a great support, for advice or just a listening ear if you need to cry with someone. If you can I'd suggest your partner calls them too.
So sorry. Sending you a big hug and strength. X
So sorry you find yourself here, but welcome to a safe space. Pls call the helpline, and dont make any big decisions now. You need time to process this massive shock. It will pass, but it takes time.
I'm so sorry you join us here. That feeling where the bottom has fallen out of your world, that realisation that this is true, and a whole part of your partners life you had no idea of, and yet you feel that guilt yourself x
This is sadly a long haul. You imagine what will happen (some of it may, some of it won't) but you will deal with those things as they arise. You are stronger than you ever imagined. You dont feel it now, but believe me you are.
Take time, rest, eat what you feel able to, don't feel you have to make any quick decisions. My early knee jerk reactions of what I should do are nothing like the longer term decisions I am living with. There are no right or wrong ways to feel. This is the man you have spent so much time with, that hasn't changed.
There is an army of women (and men) here to support you from afar. The help line can be useful for you both, StopSo councellors are amazing and can help put those fragments of your life back together when you are ready. Legal advice, if you can afford it, can be useful early on. Time frames the police may or not have given can be misleading (nice way of putting it!).
But for now, sending love and strength to you x
This is sadly a long haul. You imagine what will happen (some of it may, some of it won't) but you will deal with those things as they arise. You are stronger than you ever imagined. You dont feel it now, but believe me you are.
Take time, rest, eat what you feel able to, don't feel you have to make any quick decisions. My early knee jerk reactions of what I should do are nothing like the longer term decisions I am living with. There are no right or wrong ways to feel. This is the man you have spent so much time with, that hasn't changed.
There is an army of women (and men) here to support you from afar. The help line can be useful for you both, StopSo councellors are amazing and can help put those fragments of your life back together when you are ready. Legal advice, if you can afford it, can be useful early on. Time frames the police may or not have given can be misleading (nice way of putting it!).
But for now, sending love and strength to you x
Hi everyone, I just wanted to give a bit of an update. I took myself off to my parents house to do some thinking without being around my person.
I miss him a lot. I miss his eyes, and his smile and how special he made me feel. But then I remember. I can't get through that hurdle.
I think it's over. I feel awful because he's going through so much. I want to support him, but I don't think I can do that as his wife.
I love him and I miss him. He was my everything. But I don't think I can forgive him for doing this to us.
I miss him a lot. I miss his eyes, and his smile and how special he made me feel. But then I remember. I can't get through that hurdle.
I think it's over. I feel awful because he's going through so much. I want to support him, but I don't think I can do that as his wife.
I love him and I miss him. He was my everything. But I don't think I can forgive him for doing this to us.
It hurts like hell now, and you will have many ups and downs but believe me it does get easier. I couldn't even function as a human when we first got the knock 7 weeks ago, the rug was pulled from under me and my instincts were to run and hide - but now I am adjusting to a new normal. People on here told me not to rush into decisions and they were so right - but I felt I needed to know exactly how I would move forward, and make plans - I realise now I was desperately trying to get some control over a situation in which I was free falling. A little time has helped so much and I'm starting to make decisions rationally and with a clearer head. This is a marathon not a sprint so don't rush decisions if you can avoid it. Focus on self care and small wins each day.
Don't be afraid to walk away if that's what you feel is right. You will never forget this but it will become less raw with time and you will find strength you didn't think you had.
lots of love x
Don't be afraid to walk away if that's what you feel is right. You will never forget this but it will become less raw with time and you will find strength you didn't think you had.
lots of love x
Hi,
I saw your post and it really resonated with me as my partner was also guilty of doing a mass download with no attention paid to content. 90k files and 12 were cat A-C.
We are now 6 years post knock, 4 years post sentencing so I have the benefit of experience and hindsight in this awful situation.
Take your time - don't rush any decisions, emotions will be all over the place and each day will bring a different range - shock, anger, revulsion, why. It can take years to get an outcome from the police and sometimes they can be positive.
Do your research - you've come to the forum quickly which is good. Get as much information and support as possible, utilise the helpline and forums available. Find a solicitor that specialises in this area, so many don't and the lack of knowledge can lead to poor outcomes. Look into hiring your own computer forensics if that's viable.
Look after yourself - take a walk, go to the gym, yoga, seaside, bake a cake. Whatever it takes to distract you and practice self care. This is a long journey whether you stay or go. The trauma can lead to PTSD.
Confidants - find someone you can trust, a friend or relative, colleague or counsellor or even your GP. The LFF helpline comes highly recommended on this forum or your employer may offer via employee benefits.
See the man behind the crime - as much as you are disgusted by your husband and quite rightly so. Don't let that take away from who he was before this happened. Talk to him, how did he end up in this place. He may need counselling too (not by you)
Prepare - depending on your circumstances you may have a safety net fund, if not and you can afford to, put money by and build a pot. I did this in case OH went to prison and I was left with the mortgage and bills to pay. It can be worth preparing a statement in readiness for declaring to work if needed or if you get media exposure.
Don't trust the police - they told my OH they would arrest me if he didn't admit it. They also said post conviction that they knew it was accidental and they weren't worried that he would reoffend.
Time - it really is a great healer and what is happening now will come to pass. Hopefully the above will help you on your journey. I've stayed with my OH but others leave, that has to be your decision.
Take care
I saw your post and it really resonated with me as my partner was also guilty of doing a mass download with no attention paid to content. 90k files and 12 were cat A-C.
We are now 6 years post knock, 4 years post sentencing so I have the benefit of experience and hindsight in this awful situation.
Take your time - don't rush any decisions, emotions will be all over the place and each day will bring a different range - shock, anger, revulsion, why. It can take years to get an outcome from the police and sometimes they can be positive.
Do your research - you've come to the forum quickly which is good. Get as much information and support as possible, utilise the helpline and forums available. Find a solicitor that specialises in this area, so many don't and the lack of knowledge can lead to poor outcomes. Look into hiring your own computer forensics if that's viable.
Look after yourself - take a walk, go to the gym, yoga, seaside, bake a cake. Whatever it takes to distract you and practice self care. This is a long journey whether you stay or go. The trauma can lead to PTSD.
Confidants - find someone you can trust, a friend or relative, colleague or counsellor or even your GP. The LFF helpline comes highly recommended on this forum or your employer may offer via employee benefits.
See the man behind the crime - as much as you are disgusted by your husband and quite rightly so. Don't let that take away from who he was before this happened. Talk to him, how did he end up in this place. He may need counselling too (not by you)
Prepare - depending on your circumstances you may have a safety net fund, if not and you can afford to, put money by and build a pot. I did this in case OH went to prison and I was left with the mortgage and bills to pay. It can be worth preparing a statement in readiness for declaring to work if needed or if you get media exposure.
Don't trust the police - they told my OH they would arrest me if he didn't admit it. They also said post conviction that they knew it was accidental and they weren't worried that he would reoffend.
Time - it really is a great healer and what is happening now will come to pass. Hopefully the above will help you on your journey. I've stayed with my OH but others leave, that has to be your decision.
Take care
I want to thank everyone.
I'm back at home at the moment. I'm going between crying and yelling and threatening to leave, to remembering who he is and how much I love him.
But I can't look at him without wanting to throw up most of the time. I'm crying constantly. If I tell my family, they'd be here to help me pack - they would want me to have nothing to do with him. Most of my friends would be the same. I feel like I'm the only person he has right now. I love him, so I don't want to leave him. But at the same time, I didn't deserve this.
I worked so hard to be the perfect wife for him. I worked for years to do everything I thought he would want me to do, and now this? I don't trust him. I can't forgive him. I kind of hate him.
I don't know if he will definitely go to prison. I don't know what happened to everyone else's partners, or how you all handled it. I'm hoping there's a way this all goes away but there isn't, is there?
I'm back at home at the moment. I'm going between crying and yelling and threatening to leave, to remembering who he is and how much I love him.
But I can't look at him without wanting to throw up most of the time. I'm crying constantly. If I tell my family, they'd be here to help me pack - they would want me to have nothing to do with him. Most of my friends would be the same. I feel like I'm the only person he has right now. I love him, so I don't want to leave him. But at the same time, I didn't deserve this.
I worked so hard to be the perfect wife for him. I worked for years to do everything I thought he would want me to do, and now this? I don't trust him. I can't forgive him. I kind of hate him.
I don't know if he will definitely go to prison. I don't know what happened to everyone else's partners, or how you all handled it. I'm hoping there's a way this all goes away but there isn't, is there?
Hey, it does get easier with time. I have chosen to stay with my husband, it wasnt an easy decision to make. The last 13 years of my life i do see differently now. After we discussed things i realised i didnt want to leave him and would take the consequences of portentially loosing friends and family for this decision.
if it's indecent pictures and no communication or contact offenses then it's most likely to be a suspended sentence or a community order. Some people are unlucky and get a custodial sentence but the prisons are so full right now it's the least likely option. I would suggest he does the paid course via stop it now. My husband found it very useful and enlightening.
Honestly take your time to decide what you want to do because this is such a big no go area. If your jobs like my last job (I used to work for a bank). They preferred if we told them what may come up in a search before the search and they could then discuss whether or not it would be an issue. so that may be something to consider before applying for a promotion to have a word. But obviously it's a MASSIVE thing telling work
if it's indecent pictures and no communication or contact offenses then it's most likely to be a suspended sentence or a community order. Some people are unlucky and get a custodial sentence but the prisons are so full right now it's the least likely option. I would suggest he does the paid course via stop it now. My husband found it very useful and enlightening.
Honestly take your time to decide what you want to do because this is such a big no go area. If your jobs like my last job (I used to work for a bank). They preferred if we told them what may come up in a search before the search and they could then discuss whether or not it would be an issue. so that may be something to consider before applying for a promotion to have a word. But obviously it's a MASSIVE thing telling work