SS and teen children.
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Hi just looking to see if anyone else has teens in the house where OH has been asked to leave by SS. In our case OH is allowed 1hr supervised contact a day. My teens are out with their friends, or in their rooms when OH here. They come for dinner for 10 mins then clear again to do their own things. Nothing changed here, never would have spent a hr with us. I , at the min am trying to understand and make a go of my relationship but how do I let SS see 1hr is pointless and see if they could give him longer each day? I Dont want to push my luck but a little help would be good since I also work full time. I get OH cant be alone with kids but longer in evenings would be helpful.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi,
I had teens at the time of the knock but they aren't my partners and I ended the relationship so this isn't through lived experience of your situation but I do understand teens and ss.
What stage of investigation is your OH and what stage of assessment are ss at? xxx
I had teens at the time of the knock but they aren't my partners and I ended the relationship so this isn't through lived experience of your situation but I do understand teens and ss.
What stage of investigation is your OH and what stage of assessment are ss at? xxx
Hi
we are very early stages only been 3 weeks. Items lifted but OH not even interviewed or had risk assessment carried out yet. We are on CIN plan and have safely plan in place. We have been supposedly allocated SW but no word from them or any word on assessment as yet, even though we were told last week they would be in touch re both.
we are very early stages only been 3 weeks. Items lifted but OH not even interviewed or had risk assessment carried out yet. We are on CIN plan and have safely plan in place. We have been supposedly allocated SW but no word from them or any word on assessment as yet, even though we were told last week they would be in touch re both.
Ah ok. Very early days then. Is the safety plan just supervised contact for an hour a day? How much do your teens know about the situation? My initial thoughts are to wait until the allocated sw gets in touch and then discuss keeping the hours per week the same but reducing the number of days to allow for a more natural continuation of your childrens relationship with your OH. This also gives you both time to think about your own relationship and work out what you want moving forward.
You can discuss that your long term goal would be to have him home but I'd wait to see what the police come back with first xxx
You can discuss that your long term goal would be to have him home but I'd wait to see what the police come back with first xxx
Hi
Yes OH is only allowed in the home 1 hr a day for supervised contact. My teens are fully aware if the situation as they were home at the time. SS made sure they also told them in more detail than I cared to tell them.
Thank you for your advice. Yes I will wait until allocated a SW and discuss what you suggest with them.
Hate this whole thing. We have done nothing wrong but are the ones probably suffering the most.
Thank you
Yes OH is only allowed in the home 1 hr a day for supervised contact. My teens are fully aware if the situation as they were home at the time. SS made sure they also told them in more detail than I cared to tell them.
Thank you for your advice. Yes I will wait until allocated a SW and discuss what you suggest with them.
Hate this whole thing. We have done nothing wrong but are the ones probably suffering the most.
Thank you
If it's help with the house and shopping etc that you feel you need then once the kids go back to school or college over the coming weeks maybe you could work out times that the kids will be out and your OH could do practical things to help.
It is hard to be thrust into this life of being a single parent, you will find a strength you didn't know you had xxx
It is hard to be thrust into this life of being a single parent, you will find a strength you didn't know you had xxx
My eldest is 13 (was 11 at the time of the knock, still waiting on CPS). First off, what do your teens want? Do they want to see him right now? If so, when and how much? I would be led by them. Then when the time comes to work things out in more detail go to SS with what the teens want. I'd also make it clear to your teens that they can change their minds about contact at any point.
Got interrupted....
Our routine is for him to spend the day with us every second Saturday roughly, but I always ask mine if they want to see him and they know they can say no. They're currently happy to block off those Saturdays, but if there's something they do want to do (both are in Scouts & similar) we switch to Sunday or whatever. Luckily they have certain shared interests with their dad (like incredibly nerdy board games!) so they are happy to do those with him. The hour a day definitely wouldn't work! But chat through some potential options with your teens - maybe just going out for a meal every now and again even? They may not be sure themselves how they feel about him and it might change over time.
Our routine is for him to spend the day with us every second Saturday roughly, but I always ask mine if they want to see him and they know they can say no. They're currently happy to block off those Saturdays, but if there's something they do want to do (both are in Scouts & similar) we switch to Sunday or whatever. Luckily they have certain shared interests with their dad (like incredibly nerdy board games!) so they are happy to do those with him. The hour a day definitely wouldn't work! But chat through some potential options with your teens - maybe just going out for a meal every now and again even? They may not be sure themselves how they feel about him and it might change over time.
That's incredibly good advice xxx
Thank you both,
This is great advice. I have a meeting with SW next week and I will discuss options with kids before then. I think a Saturday or Sunday would work best as when back at school and with evening activities we would not even have an hour to sit with him. When kids are at school he could come sort stuff when required.
This has been so helpful as the hour a day really is just pointless.
xx
This is great advice. I have a meeting with SW next week and I will discuss options with kids before then. I think a Saturday or Sunday would work best as when back at school and with evening activities we would not even have an hour to sit with him. When kids are at school he could come sort stuff when required.
This has been so helpful as the hour a day really is just pointless.
xx
Is the 1 hour stated in their bail terms? My daughters 1, so not a teen but we were never given a time limit. I was just told he must be supervised at all times and anyone he sees under 18 the parents need to know of the allegations prior so they can assess whether they want him there or not. I must admit I did get asked how long he spends with her and if I saw that as appropate for at the start. But that was the end of the conversation. I just said it's in her best interest as that's her normal and they nodded and moved on.
Hi
OH has not even been interviewed yet by the police. Came, lited pc and phone and walked out. Thats it no further contact so he has no conditions from them. This is all SS. To me it just doesn't work. He would need to stay for about 3 hrs in the house each evening to catch a glimpse of both of the children as they are doing there own thing and they wont stop or change for him and I dont want them too. Having done what he has done has destroyed their lives enough. Once they go back to school other activities will start up again so we will be running each evening so weekends are def best. Hopefully SW appointed is sensible and sees this. I dont see how else to work it.
OH has not even been interviewed yet by the police. Came, lited pc and phone and walked out. Thats it no further contact so he has no conditions from them. This is all SS. To me it just doesn't work. He would need to stay for about 3 hrs in the house each evening to catch a glimpse of both of the children as they are doing there own thing and they wont stop or change for him and I dont want them too. Having done what he has done has destroyed their lives enough. Once they go back to school other activities will start up again so we will be running each evening so weekends are def best. Hopefully SW appointed is sensible and sees this. I dont see how else to work it.
I think the only way to win with SS is to explain;
1. this is what the children want
2. This is their normal routine (and you want to keep things normal and structured amongst the chaos and uncertainty for teens who struggle with emotions at the best of times)
3. This is in the children's best interest
It can't be about what's best for him or you or what social services think you should be doing....it's all about the kids. Depending on their ages; they have a voice and SS must take their needs/wants into consideration.
Good luck-also 1 hr a day if they were the main parent/carer is rubbish. It's barely enough time to watch a favourite TV show with the kids, play a decent length game with them (board or computer), or even have dinner together (a meal out would be longer than that).
1. this is what the children want
2. This is their normal routine (and you want to keep things normal and structured amongst the chaos and uncertainty for teens who struggle with emotions at the best of times)
3. This is in the children's best interest
It can't be about what's best for him or you or what social services think you should be doing....it's all about the kids. Depending on their ages; they have a voice and SS must take their needs/wants into consideration.
Good luck-also 1 hr a day if they were the main parent/carer is rubbish. It's barely enough time to watch a favourite TV show with the kids, play a decent length game with them (board or computer), or even have dinner together (a meal out would be longer than that).
Thank you. I will make plenty of notes before my meeting with the SW next week. After all as you say it is about kids not OH or me.
I am having an awful time with one of my children as I cant split myself in two. OH always took them to school because of my working hours, now I have to as I have no one else and have adjusted my hours to help but my child is being so awkward saying not their fault and why should they stand at school for so long every morning (it only 15 mins earlier but pure drama). I know they have to suck it up and get on with it but it does not help me for feeling so guilty. Where we live they need a lift to school.
Does anyone know if OH ever gets risk assessment and comes back as low is there is any chance we could potentially get unsupervised just so he can take them to school again before I tear my hair out? I mean he can live out of house, be supervised in the house but if could just come collect them in morning and take to school everyone would be so much happier. Maybe i am just dreaming.
OH has come so far already with counselling locally and has still a long way to go but when I have literally no one to turn to it is hard. I was so low last night after arguing with my child. It breaks my heart he has put our kids in this situation. I am so tired and drained.
I am having an awful time with one of my children as I cant split myself in two. OH always took them to school because of my working hours, now I have to as I have no one else and have adjusted my hours to help but my child is being so awkward saying not their fault and why should they stand at school for so long every morning (it only 15 mins earlier but pure drama). I know they have to suck it up and get on with it but it does not help me for feeling so guilty. Where we live they need a lift to school.
Does anyone know if OH ever gets risk assessment and comes back as low is there is any chance we could potentially get unsupervised just so he can take them to school again before I tear my hair out? I mean he can live out of house, be supervised in the house but if could just come collect them in morning and take to school everyone would be so much happier. Maybe i am just dreaming.
OH has come so far already with counselling locally and has still a long way to go but when I have literally no one to turn to it is hard. I was so low last night after arguing with my child. It breaks my heart he has put our kids in this situation. I am so tired and drained.
Hi,
our daughter is only 4 and my partner has been signed off for unsupervised contact. We are post sentencing though so his risk is known.
Add it to your list of what the children want and discuss it with the sw next week. Explain that they are aware of what's happening and they also know who to talk to if they feel uncomfortable xxx
Edited to add; my partner has never been risk assessed by ss. He was deemed medium risk by probation and that's unlikely to change due to static factors that they use in their assessment process xxx
our daughter is only 4 and my partner has been signed off for unsupervised contact. We are post sentencing though so his risk is known.
Add it to your list of what the children want and discuss it with the sw next week. Explain that they are aware of what's happening and they also know who to talk to if they feel uncomfortable xxx
Edited to add; my partner has never been risk assessed by ss. He was deemed medium risk by probation and that's unlikely to change due to static factors that they use in their assessment process xxx
Hi I am unsure where to start
Update....
OH told today risk assessment will not be complete in 12 weeks as we were promised, it will be at least 6 to 9 months!!! OH had a mental breakdown and is not coping away from family isolated. Kids are not coping with him not being here. They miss him. They are teens.
Secondly I got a 5 point safety plan from SS to be reviewed within 1 month. Met with new SW and tried to explain sutuation and ask for flexibility. She never came back to me so I reviewed it myself and emailed her to to advise i did not receive an update and advised the 1hr was not working and asked for flexibility. I attached a 4 page safety plan and still they have said no , no flexibility.
I am just so angry as what is the difference here 1 hr supervised or 3 hrs supervised?
Has anyone any advice or am I just fighting a losing battle.
Thanks in advance. I just feel like I wanna cry all the time and it is still very early days. Like is there any flexibility over Christmas even?
NW
Update....
OH told today risk assessment will not be complete in 12 weeks as we were promised, it will be at least 6 to 9 months!!! OH had a mental breakdown and is not coping away from family isolated. Kids are not coping with him not being here. They miss him. They are teens.
Secondly I got a 5 point safety plan from SS to be reviewed within 1 month. Met with new SW and tried to explain sutuation and ask for flexibility. She never came back to me so I reviewed it myself and emailed her to to advise i did not receive an update and advised the 1hr was not working and asked for flexibility. I attached a 4 page safety plan and still they have said no , no flexibility.
I am just so angry as what is the difference here 1 hr supervised or 3 hrs supervised?
Has anyone any advice or am I just fighting a losing battle.
Thanks in advance. I just feel like I wanna cry all the time and it is still very early days. Like is there any flexibility over Christmas even?
NW
Out of interest how old are your teens? As if they are above 16 I believe a particular piece of law would come into play which would mean that what SS want becomes purely advice and not enforceable. Not that their rules are actually enforceable anyway unless they escalate things to family court.
Hi 26a20
Both are under 16. I know early days but I feel frig it, ignore them as the rate things are going with delays etc and I assume it not a crisis case, by time they get to court they will both be 18. I mean I drew up a 4 page safety plan which she told me was fantastic but still no movement on theirs whicjnis 5 points and very vague and each point could be interpretated in more than one way. I want to do everything properly but I feel they are not working with us and it is us pushing them for straight answers and all we get is a blanket response I need to speak to manager. Sorry just a bad day and very frustrated at trying to do the right thing but getting nowhere.
Both are under 16. I know early days but I feel frig it, ignore them as the rate things are going with delays etc and I assume it not a crisis case, by time they get to court they will both be 18. I mean I drew up a 4 page safety plan which she told me was fantastic but still no movement on theirs whicjnis 5 points and very vague and each point could be interpretated in more than one way. I want to do everything properly but I feel they are not working with us and it is us pushing them for straight answers and all we get is a blanket response I need to speak to manager. Sorry just a bad day and very frustrated at trying to do the right thing but getting nowhere.